Merry Christmas from the O’Rileys

ONCE AGAIN, I am delighted to have re-ceived my “Annual Christmas Holiday Best Wishes Card” from my dear American friends, the O’Rileys family (The O’Rileys are Americans with Irish ancestry who love football and cricket, when they are not busy drinking up a storm, which is much like playing sport in the Caribbean. Eh!!). As usual, it comes with a handy duplicated sheet describing all their re-markable achievements over the past twelve months. I know that they would like all the Sunday Newsday readers to share their triumphs. They are extra happy because, as Americans, they are going to the World Cup, so too Trinidad and Tobago and as Irish people they are involved in our cricket bust-up with Digicel. They even took a drink for that. “Hi y’all from Melaine and Humphrey.” begins Melanie O’Riley, “It’s been another great year for the O’Rileys. We’re  thrilled to be blessed with very dear friends who’ll be wanting to share our joy in our accomplishments, however bitterly disappointing the year has been for them. 

“For us, there’s never been a happier, more prosperous twelve months, our dreams all blossoming in the sunshine of good fortune.  To start with the youngest!! Little Jimmy (wants to ply his trade in football administration) —  now if you can believe it, a full ten years of age, he has been busy developing his manipulative and coordinational skills in reactive environment. “I’m delighted to say that the store in question has agreed not to press charges, and the old folks of the area have requested that he be excused community service. “For little Jimmy’s birthday, he received the cutest little puss named Fluff and for Christmas, we plan to give him a replacement Fluff II, after all his hard work on a major chemistry experiment, went awry. “Incidentally, the ceiling came up a treat after a splash of paint or two!  Both of his previous nannies have thanked us for the chance to work with him, for now that they are in mental institutions, they can better communicate with their new peers. “And so on to Gina, now aged 16 and interested in boxing, having heard licences can be acquired in Trinidad and Tobago easily, wearing her first make-up, going out to dances and every bit the young lady with her second due in February 2006. 

“After her marriage in June 2006, or July 2007 or August 2008, she will of course, be changing her name (we will have to learn to address her as “Honk,” as she tells us she has never taken to the name Gina and it sounds better for boxing or wrestling). We are de-lighted to have met her young intended “Germ.”  He is a close friend of a friend of one of the fathers — small world!  He tells us that he is a gifted arm wrestler, has read all the Stephen King’s novels and his hobbies include drinking, multiple dates and watching TV. “We know that Germ will make a perfect match for Honk and he tells us that his probation officer also sees it as a start, and his next visit to the Caribbean should be finally approved. “And so to dear Stanislaus, twenty-four, who has never been happier (though his doctors tell us that they cannot go on increasing the dose indefinitely even though his dad is close to eighty and loving cricket all the way to his grave).  As to the book, he has had firm offers from many publishers, both in America and Switzerland, but he is insisting on an author who will not sensationalise things and who will show the world that deep down, he intended nothing but the best for his victims. 

“Both the FBI and CIA producers have expressed an interest, but only if the final toll is in double figures — so fingers crossed y’all. “This year we took great delight in welcoming a new arrival into our beautiful home.  My own dear mommy has come  home to roost! Things were getting just a bit too much for her at the Sunset Home on the Boulevard, with all the recent mysterious deaths, and her natural high spirits were, the matron said, causing disruption among her fellow inmates, not all of whom were as ‘young at heart.’ “Of course, Humphrey has always adored Mummy deep down and he has insisted that she makes herself entirely at home, with her favourite old chair and paintings in the garage. So far, the two of them have been getting along like a house on fire; only secondary burns and nothing that can’t be repaired or replaced at a minimal cost to human flesh and fortune. “Come Christmas, Mummy has promised to fill our home with her spirited rendition of ‘Gloria in Excelsius Deo,’ the four-hour version, with harmonious accompaniment. Hero, our adopted cousin, will be there to provide the necessary security in such troublesome times,and his know-ledge of kung-fu and use of the ‘LOG’ make him unstoppable.

“My sister  Kitty, now 30, is still the quintessential fun-loving girl next door, with her lash lined baby doll eyes, cupid smile and broad waistline.  She has thankfully had a lift and tuck and another lift and tuck, and the wrinkles are not so discernible. “Her husband Alfred is still finding it hard to cope with her. They are still not lovers, but they have read all the approved sex literature. They would not know what to do in the case of an unseemingly emergency. “No doubt they have also read all those government drugs warning. “Certainly Kitty has avoided even recreational drugs, as also has Alfred, though apparently he has a nose for a fine beer and some good netballers (not located in Trinidad and Tobago however). “Our vacation, this year, was the greatest!  Who’d have thought that jogging could be such fun?  For a change, we thought that instead of going away, we would make our own fun by staying at home and jogging. I lost a full 90 pounds, and I can now fit into lots of things, which I could have never managed before, like the Toyota Yaris and the Downstairs Restroom and after his short spell in the beautiful intensive care amenity of our local medical centre, Larry says he’s never felt better.

“We hope that your time with the Newsday, with Zaid, Horace, George, Joel and Walter and that other chap who is a good lawyer, Francis, prove as merry as the Christmas we have had together in the past. “Tell them we will visit in 2006. We understand the Newsday is taking the opposition by storm, and that maybe the planned visit of destructive Dee and Loquacious Larry could be postponed indefinitely. “Here’s hoping that next year holds as much in store for you and all those lovely readers in Trinidad and Tobago. Send us their addresses and we’ll drop in on them, when we are over there. ‘Tool De Doo.’ “Happy holidays from Melanie, Humprey, Fluff II, Hero, Honk, Germ, Little Jimmy, Kitty, Mummy and Stanisclaus. For the best in website management and change management check cornelis-associates .com