MERCURY FALLING, TEMPERATURES RISING

When Mercury, the tiny planet that hugs the sun, decides to spin backward, it takes with it communication, intellect, awareness, logic and reasoning.

Mercury retrograde, as the astrologers describe the celestial phenomenon, also has an adverse effect on commerce. Mercury, according to the experts, began one of its topsy-turvy journeys last weekend. In Trinidad and Tobago, it was first sighted over Chaguanas. There, a tiny crowd was gathered to celebrate the 14th anniversary of the birth of the moribund United National Congress. Or, to begin its wake. On its arrival, Mercury rotated in a counter-clockwise direction above the head of the party’s leader cum funeral director, Basdeo Panday. Astrologers were unwilling to predict however, the effect it would have on the already mercurial politician. Would its force prove contrary and make him progressive? Soon though, they conceded that under the planet’s inverted control, Panday remained himself and returned to tales of yesteryear, the old ones about racial discrimination and Ramesh.

The Chaguanas audience could still make little sense of what he was saying. To listen to his story, he and his had been banging on the door of Whitehall for centuries, begging to be let in, to no avail. Yet, the next minute, he was blaming Ramesh for making him lose power he never had. Retrograde Mercury was unable to make Panday spin forward or be coherent. The only thing the people listening to him in Chaguanas understood was that he would refuse to support the Government on any legislation unless there was constitutional reform, so he could return to power. However, to fight for change by establishing a “parallel government”? This was one Panday flight of fancy, which like Mercury, was just a little too close to the sun for them.

By Monday, Mercury, that miniature celestial body, usually never one to waste its time, moved from Panday to one of his fellow, morticians, Senator Robin Montano. Its effects were devastating: the normally boisterous Senator was rendered relatively mute, unable to debate his motion of no confidence in Senate President Dr Linda Baboolal. He simply could not locate the correct words to communicate the “sensitive and potentially explosive information” in his muddled possession. Mercury’s backwardness had also delayed the arrival of the evidence to support his claims. By Tuesday, astrologers were worried. Mercury was behaving quite out of character: it was still suspended over Montano. The UNC Senator, ignorant of his erratic planetary companion, did the unthinkable and entered into a commercial venture with a Port-of-Spain vendor. The result of bargaining during Mercury retrograde: Montano received a six for a nine, that is, bad food for his good money. Half an hour later, he was reportedly unable to mouth more than groans.

Some stargazers argued that Mercury’s reverse orbit was not altogether inimical to the Senator’s interests, though. They noted that its sway over his stomach, saved him from having to rise in the Senate and confess he was not ready to debate a motion he had filed with great fanfare. There was after all, they surmised, a flip side to Mercury’s back slide. Otherwise, he would have had to bluster about not being set to talk, which would have earned him exactly what it got his equally unprepared colleagues on Tuesday, Standing Order 29 (1). This Senate rule is clear: “If a Member other than a Minister does not, when called, move a motion or amendment, which stands in his name, such motion or amendment shall be removed from the Order Paper unless deferred by leave of the Senate or moved by another Member duly authorised by that Member.”

Had he been in the Red House, the inflated Montano would have had to use his full height and girth to beg the Senate to debate his “pressing” motion at another time. As his Senate leader, Wade Mark had attempted to do. And given the nature of the motion, neither the Government nor the  Independents would have agreed to his petition. As they did not concede to Mark’s on Tuesday. Such a situation would have been more upsetting to Montano’s ego than the food poisoning had been to his paunch. Instead, he could wait until Mercury moved on and then cry “PNM injustice!” By Tuesday afternoon, astrologers were relieved to see Mercury twist its way from Montano to Mark. Its converse movement caused the latter to confuse UNC incompetence with PNM conspiracies, hijackings and dictatorship.

The Government had set up the UNC, the motion of no confidence moved surreptitiously up on the Order Paper, Mark proclaimed, after failing to have its discussion postponed. But, wait a minute, hadn’t Montano-when Mercury was direct- asked for the motion to be debated Tuesday?  Wasn’t Mark, as UNC Senate leader, aware of this? Thank God the dizzy planet was its normal impatient self by the next day and decided to hit the back roads again. On Wednesday, Mercury spun regressively on its axis to the PNM  administration, extending its negative aspect to both areas of its starry  domain, communication and commerce. A cacophony over currency, if you will, was the result, when people heard about the $70,000 a month paid to Petrotrin Executive Chairman, Malcolm Jones. Worse, PNM ministers, Eric Williams and Ken Valley, were tugging furious voters in disparate verbal directions. There were two opposing messages from one Government about the procedure used to approve Jones’ salary. Mercury had made its mischief and the population had a split personality Cabinet governing it.

An angry and besieged Prime Minister was left with no alternative. On Thursday at Cabinet he announced that until Mercury started its forward motion, he would expect all his ministers, save Dr Lenny Saith and his wife, Hazel, to keep their fingers on their lips. The first to comply would have to be Valley. The Prime Minister would speak for them. Mercury’s orbit, direct or  retrograde, had no impact on his ability to communicate with his people. Mercury could spin backward or forward, rise or fall, as it pleased; when he, Patrick Manning opened his mouth, the ever-astonished citizens of TT always lost their cool.