Men learn to handle reality

I heard a facilitator of one of these groups talking about one of the objectives of these groups is to “help men take back their role,” another talked about “taking back control.”

In all cases when you see and hear these men their body language and tone of voice suggest a “tug of war” with some opposing competitor.

The use of the phrase “take back” with its attendant body language, suggests that the role and control were grudgingly given to women and now it is time to take them back. The attendant body language also suggests that there will be a fight to take it back. I visualise the woman on one side and the man on the other side tugging at the role and control and may the stronger win. I also see the children in this scenario being forced to take sides and yell “pull, pull, pull”. If the daughters side with the mother and the sons side with the father, what a great tug of war that would be.

In my work with families, one woman who has had to “take control” because of her reality, as she described her situation, observed that “when men see young women or women who have no family, no support or no one to whom they can turn for help when they are in need, they (the men) feel that they can do these women what they want. They take advantage of us, and treat us badly. They know that we have to take the treatment because we have no where to go.” We discussed this and she shared about how she had to take hold of herself and her five children, because she knew that there was something better somewhere. Her world and the world of her children should not be one of hurts, pains and helplessness. Then she observed that “when women seek and find their independence, men just give up their role.”

My concern is: How are men expected to “take back control?” Are they going to ask politely? Is there going to be a mini-war in the house with a wrestling match going on and the children or other relatives as referees? What will happen in those cases, where is the man, in his retreating (as his woman goes into survival mode and develops a new identity and vision for herself) finds another dependent woman , has another set of children (many the same ages with his first set of children). He will find himself in a dilemma. Will he be expected to make a choice? Are these men’s groups going to bring in both sets of families and work through the dynamics of the relationships, roles and control?

It is imperative that we work with men, wives, children, young people, and young adults to help them to understand that peace is the foundation of any harmonious relationship. They must learn the answer to “What does it take to have peace and harmony in our lives? Making the right choices for each individual’s good is what it takes, learning about priorities, the different personalities that walk this earth, learning that “falling in love” is not about who looks great, who smells nice, who has the best voice, who can provide the most cash at the end of the month. Our “men” must learn to handle the reality of the 21st century. There is more to peace and love than a role and having control.