Woman croc hunter

comedian (n): An actor of comic parts. An entertainer who tells jokes. A person who behaves in a humorous manner.

When I was asked to write a little something about my first comedy audition, I was a bit hesitant. As a journalist, my job entails writing about others. Other than a resume and cover letter, I haven’t written  much about myself. On the few occasions that I did (and I can count them on one hand), it always tied in with a situation, like the mispronunciation of my name, for example. At that time, I had just about had enough of people mispronouncing my name and calling me everything else under the sun, like Calcium, Helican, Hyacin, Allison, Hyacinth, Heliconia, Althea, Alcia... Funny, I still get the mispronunciations... But I digress.

People have been telling me for years that I make them laugh, but all I do is just crack myself up and give a lot of sh** talk. Literally. I guess it helps that I watch a lot of television and observe people, trends and events, but Trinidadians on the whole are a funny people. We are the only ones that can (and will) laugh at someone falling down in front of Colsort Mall in the rain, even while we come to give them a hand to stand up again. And you know exactly how the talk goes afterwards...
“Man, I see this ‘oman passing and she playing hoity-toity. Just so, she four inch heel stick in the pavement... all yuh hear next is ‘BRA-DANG!!!’ and she, she umbrella and the heels gone so... eeeef you see dat catspraddle...”
(Yuh smiling, ent?)
Now, I saw a notice in Newsday on Friday June 27, about Rachel Price’s search for new comics to take part in a series of shows called Jest in Time.
(These had taken place on June 30 and July 1st; the latter date coincidentally, was my birthday.)
I was playing around with the idea of going, but was hesitant, seeing that I had no experience, other than cracking up the people on the job. So I tried the direct approach.
(To the Features crew) “Allyuh, I thinking of doing an audition.”
“For a play?” asked Jacinth.
“Nah, to do comedy with Rachel Price.”
“Wha? So what yuh waiting on? Do the ting, gyul... yuh go lick dem up!” That was Robin.
“Yeah man, do yuh Crocodile Hunter jokes, you always have we going with that,” Jacinth added.
Man, such confidence... why didn’t I have any?
I mean, it’s one thing to make jokes with your friends, they know you. But to do it in front of strangers? Eeeeek!
Timidly, I went to the audition, asking myself , “What the hell I doing? Suppose they find ah stale?
I decided I would not be the first one on-stage.
Thank goodness I got there early... a little too early. Not even Rachel had arrived yet. Nerves for so in my skin. In time though, the rest of the novices arrived... and the media.
“Wha? Oh gorm, look trouble now!” I thought, realising how huge this thing could go, and the fact that I didn’t write down a single joke... but was that how they did it? Or did they just “wing it” on stage, letting the jokes fall where they may?
I started to wish I was Monique from The Parkers. Given my girth, I not too far behind!
Up the stairs and to the right, Price sat, the comedy monarch of all she surveyed. Luckily, I would not be the first one to go on (thank you Jesus!). Nervousness aside, I decided to give it my best shot and if I fell flat on my face, so be it.
“So what about this young lady in black?” said Price.
“Ah don’t think I ready yet,” I said, willing my shaking left leg to stay still.
“Come nah, we here to have fun, come and launch, man. What’s your name?”
“Halcian Pierre,” I said, and stepped forward for her to take my info. That done, the “spotlight” was on me.
I don’t know where it came from, but it came, albeit shakily. I launched into a spiel about Sesame Street, then (taking Jacinth’s advice) I tore into Animal Planet’s Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, an Australian Game Warden and Conservationist.
“G’Day! Ahmm Steve Irrrrrrwin, the Crocodile Hunnah, and todoi, we’re gonna be lookin’ fer snoikes! Wanna know wheech one? The KIIIING COOOOOBRAH!!”
Price tapped her table, laughing. “Now these snoikes grow to be really huge, and they don’t like people messing around in their territory, cuz they’re reeeeeeelly protective, and they don’t take koindly to stroingers... (pointing) there’s one right theeeeeere!!”
Everybody was listening and laughing, even the folks at the bar.
“Let’s get a closer look at him shall we? (Picking the snake  up) Aww, he’s got pretty markings on his back, lookit that! Whoa, now... you can tell by the oies when they’re angry! (Flinching) One boite from one of these snoikes can kill up to fifty full grown men... let’s look a leetle closaaaah!!”
My routine ended with the snoike giving Steve a good bite, and he ends up unconscious. Everyone was laughing heartily, including me. Price hugged me, saying, “Girl that was perfect, yuh on! Yuh on! Yuh make the cut!”
My response? To scream and hug her back, and tell her that it was the best birthday present I ever got.
And that was no joke.
The Jest in Time series is slated to start sometime in August, featuring new comedians alongside seasoned veterans like Mairoon Ali, Sprangalang and of course, Rachel Price.