All’s not well in love and money

Your money attitude today is probably most influenced by your upbringing, experts say. Whether your parents were wealthy or lived from pay cheque to pay cheque, your experiences growing up had an impact on the way you think about money now. Family patterns, such as which parent handled the family’s money in your youth or whether your parents fought about money, may have created patterns that you adopt for your own adult life. Or, if you’re aware of things you’d like to change, you might invent your own money management techniques.

You need to remember that your partner was influenced by his childhood, too, and it may be a struggle to reconcile your experiences so you can come up with a strategy you both can live with. If your partner doesn’t want to talk about it, there’s probably a reason. Perhaps he’s embarrassed about his debt or his ignorance of money matters in general, or maybe he feels that men should be in control of money. None of those are reasons not to marry, but they’re topics you need to address before you tie the knot, experts advise.

Because of the built-in sensitivity many people have on money matters, try to be delicate, even overly sensitive, if your partner’s attitudes, actions, or concerns cause you concern. “Unfounded fears of running out of money can plague even multimillionaires,” says Debra Morrison, a certified financial planner with RegentAtlantic Capital in Chatham, New Jersey. To open the lines of communication about money with your partner, Homsey suggests you start with discussions on less emotionally charged topics such as goals or children, in essence backing into the subject of money. If your fiance or special someone still doesn’t want to talk about money, you may need a third party, such as a counsellor or a financial planner, to help overcome the obstacle. A third party could help to ease the tension and guide the conversation. If your partner still clams up, that could be a red flag.

Here’s a checklist of topics to address:
• How much is each of us earning, and how much is each of us spending?
• Upon marriage, how would our spending differ — as individuals and as a couple?
• Would either of us be changing jobs, or would one of us stay at home in a certain number of years to raise a child?
• How would we handle a reduction in joint income?
• How much debt does each of us have, and what was the debt incurred for? If the debt is such that minimum payments would not absolve the debt for several years, then the pattern of overspending needs to be addressed and conquered.
• How do we each prioritise fixed or essential expenses from extraneous items? If there is a substantial difference in what each of us considers necessary and extraneous, how will this be resolved?

If you don’t come up with a plan you can both agree on, you’re going to be working against each other’s goals. That will make it hard to share your wishes and dreams together. That’s why a written plan may be the answer. Once a year, you can sit together and develop a list of what you’re trying to accomplish and how you’re progressing toward your joint and individual goals. You can revise your plans as you go, but you both should be involved in the process.

Dr Shoshanna, author of Zen and the Art of Falling in Love (Simon and Schuster, 2003), says you have to remember that it is nearly impossible to change someone’s habits if they’re not interested in making the change. If you can’t accept the way your partner manages money and you think you’re going to change him after you’re married, think again. “Money habits take a long time to develop and can become quite ingrained,” Shoshanna says. “If you cannot accept the person’s money habits as they are now and live with them, it is best that you think twice about the relationship.”