A new UNC dictionary

arrest n. & vb.. a rightful act when done to black or PNM persons, but a racial conspiracy when done to Indo or UNC persons (see ‘bail’)

babble vb.talk rapidly and continuously in a foolish, excited, or incomprehensible way (see ‘jack’)

babu n. respectful title or form of address for a man, so Dookeran and Kamla will never be called it

bail n. a sum of money lodged to secure release from imprisonment, which should be given automatically to Basdeo Panday but not to other convicted criminals (see ‘arrest’)

cabal n. a secret political clique or faction, or what the ‘C’ in UNC now stands for

cabinet n. what UNC MPs desperately want to get in

courts n. the name of a retail store that sells the only kind of cabinets UNC MPs will ever get in

cover-up n. what Basdeo Panday tried to do with his London bank account; or, if you’re a UNC fanatic, what the PNM, AG, DPP and police have done with the conspiracy to make Basdeo Panday not declare his London bank account

duck n. a yellow feathered bird which, when appointed UNC Political Leader, uses crutches

debar vb. exclude or prohibit from doing something; also the UNC executive’s favourite activity in relation to its Political Leader

edulcorate vb. make more acceptable or palatable, as the UNC executive is trying to do with Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj

fanatic n. & adj. the only type of person who actually believes Basdeo Panday is the victim of a PNM conspiracy (see ‘god’, ‘vegetable’)

farce n. comic dramatic work or genre using buffoonery and horseplay and typically including ludicrously improbable situations, seen most Fridays on the Opposition benches of the Lower House

gibberish n. unintelligible or meaningless speech or writing, exemplified by every statement about restoring unity in the UNC

gimmick n. what the PNM uses in lieu of ideas to run the country, but which the UNC is unable to criticise since it is one itself

heart n. an organ which can be used to stay out of jail, if its owner is both unhealthy and wealthy

high adj. a necessary qualification to be UNC leader

humble adj. Winston Dookeran’s favourite kind of pie

idol n. something shattered by a jail sentence

incorruptible adj. a disqualification to be UNC leader

jack n. a device for lifting heavy objects, like a political party filled with lead-brains, lead-bottoms, and leaders; also a stupid person (see ‘babble’, ‘yahoo’)

justice n. something political fanatics believe that ethnic leaders should never face, unless they’re someone else’s ethnic leaders

kick vb. the UNC’s favoured sport, using its Political Leader as the ball

knife n. favoured political weapon for UNC executive members

leader n. confusing concept in the UNC

legal n. confusing concept in the UNC

machinate vb.. engage in plots and intrigues, or the UNC MPs’ activity

masses n. those who confuse political support with holy worship (see ‘idol’)

nemesis n. the inescapable agent of someone’s downfall, or Basdeo Panday in relation to Basdeo Panday

nutcracker n. the UNC’s executive’s second favourite sport using the Political Leader

obeah n. about the only thing that could get the UNC back in power

oil n. mineral whose high price is more powerful than obeah

paddle n. what the UNC is up a faecal creek without

parliament n. a place for Opposition MPs to speak for 75 minutes without changing anything

quartered vb. what will happen to dissident MPs after they are hanged and drawn

queen n. what Kamla is hoping to become

rat n. a species of which two males cannot live in the same hole or same party

race n. a device for getting political support

seat n. what Ramesh is desperate to get back (see ‘edulcorate’)

smile n. Kamla Persad-Bissessar’s main political attribute

teeth n. that which UNC MPs skin at one another

thicken vb.. what has been happening to the UNC plot every week

umpire n. what the Lower House needs instead of a Speaker

united adj. an ironic term in the UNC

vegetable n. a person who is incapable of normal mental or physical activity, such as those individuals begging Basdeo Panday not to resign

veneer n. an attractive appearance that covers or disguises true nature or feelings, which is why Kamla is now Opposition Leader

wealth n. a condition which, when desired by Government Ministers, may lead to jail

woman n. device used to hold official positions until a real person is found to occupy them

x n. mark used to indicate wrong answer, such as the ones given by Clico president Lawrence Duprey during Basdeo Panday’s trial

yahoo n. rude, coarse or brutish person (see ‘jack’)

zero n. close to the probability of Winston Dookeran not being kicked out as Political Leader