Awards for anyone

Here, then, are my recommendations for new national awards, complete with design suggestions:

1. The Trinity Cross: To be presented to an individual or group which has done the most to convince people that we are in the end-times. The TC is to be given to anyone who thinks that Jesus is the only way and everybody else can go to Hell. Recipients should also believe that prayer works, that dinosaur bones are proof of the existence of Satan, and that removing the TC will cause the price of oil to drop. Design: a cross with a human being, of unidentified sex and race, nailed to it.

2. The Trinity Ohm: To be given to a Hindu individual or group which has done the most to show that Hindus are discriminated against. The recipient must also believe that Hinduism is over 10,000 years old, that poverty is caused by karma, and that a potbelly is sexy. Design: An ohm with a hurt expression.

3. The Trinity Crescent: To be given to any Muslim who believes that Western civilization is the enemy of Islam but owns a cell phone; who thinks the Protocol of the Elders of Zion is an historical document; and who believes that making women wear tents will solve all social problems. Design: a crescent moon with a timing device.

4. The Trinity Staff: To be awarded to an individual of African descent with kinky hair and dark skin who believes that white people stole democracy, physics, and Kentucky Fried Chicken from ancient Africa. If male, the recipient must wear dashikis and an uncombed beard; if female, must have a headwrap and write bad poetry. Design: A stick of carved wood as thick as the average Afrocentrist skull.

5. The Trinity Swastika: To be awarded to an individual of East Indian descent, who has straight hair, a nasal intonation, and hair growing out of their ears. The recipient must be active in Indian culture and have a wardrobe full of kurtas or saris, but not both. They should always speak with a pseudo-Indian accent and green verbs. Design: A gilt swastika inlaid with semi-precious stones coloured red, yellow, pink, and orange, and more semi-precious stones of another shade of yellow, red, pink, and orange.

6. The Trinity Rubber Stamp: To be given to the parliamentarian who has displayed the blindest obedience, the least ability to keep his eyes open, and the most ability to speak for 75 minutes and say nothing at all. Design: A stamp pressing into the testicular area of the crotch.

7. The Trinity Corbeaux: To be given to the young, black man who has collected the most rubbish from the Beetham Dump. The recipient must be unwilling to turn to crime, except for snatching jewelry from drivers when maccoing fatal car accidents caused traffic jams out of Port-of-Spain. Special consideration should be given to nominees who have been crushes under a garbage truck or hit by speeding cars while crossing the highway. Design: A garbage bag with gold filigree.

8. The Trinity Pen: To be given to a writer who hasn’t lived in TT since childhood, if at all. The recipient should instead reside in a metropolitan city, so that their work or works will get more attention locally. The award may in some instances be given to persons who have remained in TT, but only if they have written stories which instill ethnic pride, ignore psychological and economic realities, and use pretentious prose. Design: A left-handed quill with a red nib at one end and a small brain at the other.

9. The Trinity True Trini: To be given to the Trinidadian who displays the most TT Soca Warriors flags on his vehicle while driving over the speed limit and endangering other drivers; who can drink the most rum before vomiting; and who takes the most days off to watch World Cup football and cricket. Design: A stick figure made of gold twine with one hand in de air and a beer in the next.

Readers are invited to nominate individuals for these awards before August 31, 2006. An explanatory paragraph of not more than 75 words may accompany your nomination or I will write one myself.

Email:

kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com

Website:www.caribscape.com/ baldeosingh