Psychic Kevin’s predictions

You might ask how come the country continues to have so many problems, or how come the daily newspapers don’t publish the next day’s news, or how come you need a horoscope to tell you that you “will experience many ups and downs today”? But you would only ask such questions if you believed in logic, rationality, and science, in which case you would have no one to talk to.

But, even though I belong to that most minor of minorities, I too want to be consulted by politicians and businessmen and young Guyanese women. So, in today’s column, I offer predictions on a wide range of issues. And, unlike most psychics, whose predictions are accurate only to a probability of 50 percent or less – ie no greater than chance – I guarantee an accuracy rate of 90 percent or more.

Politics: Prime Minister Patrick Manning will make a speech with the phrase “Ladies and gentlemen” in it. He will advise people to have fewer children by abstaining from sex, watching TV, ballroom dancing, and building tall buildings. UNC leader Basdeo Panday will accuse the PNM of conspiring to make him accept ?100,000 and put it in a London bank account under his wife’s maiden name. COP leader Winston Dookeran will shake his head 178 times in one speech.

Culture: For Emancipation Day, the Emancipation Support Committee will complain that the Government does not give it enough money to buy the really good dashikis. For Divali, the leader of a Hindu organisation will complain that the Government doesn’t give enough funds to Indian culture, while the leader of another Hindu organisation will complain that the Government discriminates against Indians by not giving enough money to Indian culture. For Carnival, calypso tent owners will complain that they are not getting enough money to keep Indian people away from shows, while Pan Trinbago will complain that they are not getting enough money to pay people to come and hear steelbands.

Religion: A Pentecostal pastor will rant about homosexuals, and get so worked up that his eyeliner will run. An imam will say that Islam is a religion of peace and threaten to put a fatwa on anyone who says otherwise. A pundit will say that all the country’s problems can be solved if people become vegetarian and chant Om every day. God will stay quiet.

Health: A baby will die at the Mount Hope Hospital.

The Health Minister will promise a thorough investigation, and fire someone before it is even finished. The PSA will say that nurses aren’t trained to know when a hot-water bottle is hot. Hundreds of thousands of dollars will be spent on various things, and hundreds of thousands of dollars on more things. Some more babies will die.

Crime: Many young black men will be murdered; some of them will be URP workers. National Security Minister Martin Joseph will announce that crime has fallen by 0.02 percent in the past eight hours.

Police officers will shoot a poor person in suspicious circumstances; Police Commissioner Trevor Paul will come on TV, smiling, and say there will be a thorough investigation. Nothing more will be heard about the matter.

Traffic: You will take two hours to reach Port-of-Spain in the morning, and two more hours to get out in the evening. When it rains, you won’t even get out. Five or more people will be killed in a single car accident. An Assistant Police Commissioner will call on people to drive more carefully. The Ministry of Works will put up more signs saying “Slow Now!” Drivers will ignore them.

Corruption: A prominent PNM member will be accused of corruption. They will deny any wrong-doing, saying all ah we tief. A UNC activist will be found guilty on corruption charges. They will deny any wrong-doing, saying they are victims of a political conspiracy. Both parties will say that they are against all forms of corruption in the other party.

Education: Fifty percent of secondary school students will fail the CXC exams. A male student will stab another male student. Some female students will be sexually assaulted. The Education Ministry will take out full-page, full-colour ads in the newspapers that show Minister Hazel Manning smiling shyly.

Email: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com