Striking a balance

Add to the equation peer pressure, the inherent desire to prove oneself and the influence of social media.

How, then, do parents navigate the process in developing wholesome relationships with their children, especially in dealing with youngsters who stray from the traditionally accepted path? Family life counsellor and therapist Dr Kenneth Niles says parents need to be one another’s eyes and ears in coping with the myriad of challenges confronting young people.

He told a youth forum in Sangre Grande on June 1 he was a firm believer in the adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” adding that parents can no longer view their role in isolation.

“I need the village to say, ‘Are you seeing my child? Let’s macco properly with the intent to preserve our children for tomorrow. Parents cannot do it by themselves. They must talk to the child who is not their child,” he said.

Niles was the feature speaker at a Community Police Youth Development Programme in Brooklyn Settlement, Sangre Grande.

The theme of the event was Building A Healthy Family With A View of Reducing Crime.

The Youth Development Programme, co-ordinated by police sergeant Jerry Baptiste, emerged last year from the CITY (Caring Intervention for Troubled Youth) programme, which he established in 1996 to address troubled youths in schools throughout the region and neighbouring districts.

The programme places emphasis on family life and equipping parents with the skills to tackle effectively errant youths.

Niles was well-positioned to speak on the event’s theme, having spoken at several forums on a range of topics, including problem-solving and family/child conflicts.

He is also interested in building and nurturing male leadership in the home and wider society.

During his highly animated and interactive session, Niles responded to the observation that children often do not heed the advice of people other than their parents, declaring: “I go to parents. I do not mess with children, because they still are not in control of themselves.

“So I will find out who that child is and then go to the school and say, ‘Can I get a parent’s name and hang around?’ But I am going to the parents. That has to be an ongoing process.” He added: “The issue is that you cannot deal with it by yourself.

Even though it may be a rose tree and it have plenty picker (thorns), you still have to care for the little rose.” Niles reasoned that there will always be negativity in the environment, “But my heart is, ‘Let’s see how people could support one another.’” Insisting that parents need to establish bonds with their children at an early age, Niles said inherently, human beings yearn for companionship and fruitful relationships.

But in the parent-child relationship, he observed, the movement toward this ideal was often impeded by the parent’s work commitments.

Giving the example of his own 92-year-old father, who he said still wants to see him on a daily basis, Niles said: “If it is that at 92 he is still looking for someone to talk to, what about age 29 or 19? You all are looking for somebody to talk to.

“He wanted my attention. He wanted my company. He wants me to call him every day. He wants to hear my voice. But does he really know me?” So insistent was his father that he visit him, Niles said he was forced to tell him one day that he was a married man, to which his father stone-facedly responded, “Before she (Niles’ wife) was me.” Niles told the audience that on the way to the function, he had asked his assistant, a married father of two, if he truly knew his parents. The answer was “No.” Niles said: “Parents are always wanting to have their children, but I don’t know if parents know what to do with the children. But children need somebody to talk to. If we have to build healthy relationships we have to be able to talk to each other.” The therapist gave another example of an event years ago, in which he asked his sons to speak about their mother. He said their response was an eye-opener.

“I called my sons to say to talk a bit about their mother, and they said very glibly that she is married to our absent-present father.” Niles said the truth had hit home.

“It was a reality, because I got married with an objective of supporting a family, so that I had to work.” He noted this was the reality in many families.

“The children leave for school at 7.30 am and come back at 4pm. I get back at 6pm and then go to bed by 9pm. That is just three hours with them,” Niles said.

“In all my quest to make sure that they have the sneakers, the book bag, the uniform, the lunch kit and the big money for the bazaar, for the kids to go swimming and to go on the hike, I have to work.

So, I don’t have time to spend with no child, because I working.

“Working means I don’t have time to spend with my children. I only have three to four hours a day. That is a reality. So that is what my children meant when they said that I was present but I was absent. Do I know my children? No.” He also alluded to an incident one day, in which his daughter had used unbecoming language.

“When my daughter came into my Christian home from her bigshot school, with bigshot intelligence, using bigshot words that I never thought I would have heard her use, I had to acknowledge that daddy was absent and things went awry with my children and I had to take stock.” Niles said teachers were often better acquainted with children than their parents for the simple reason that they spent most of their time with them.

“They know we children better than we because we don’t have time. We too busy making money.

And when we not making money, we educating we self for more money. We not there, but we are still parents. We don’t spend time with them, so how do we know them?” he asked, eliciting nods of approval from the audience Niles said as far as possible parents need to bring balance to knowing their children and vice versa. Such relations, he noted, can be fostered through seemingly mundane activities like going to the mall or to the parent’s workplace.

In his remarks, Sgt Baptiste urged the young people to strive for excellence despite the odds.

Alluding to Police Commissioner Stephen Williams’ youth leadership initiative, Baptiste said young people have been excelling in various fields, including science and the military.

“It begins with you,” he told the young people.

Baptiste said his daughter had initially gravitated toward engineering as a course of study, before choosing another option.

“Some lecturer recognised that she had the ability and said, ‘Go fill out this form, make this presentation.’ The next thing, we got a message that we were to be guests of the (US) president. Following that, she ended up with a Fulbright scholarship to study in Texas.” Baptiste said he did not know where he would have got the money to support her “only to learn that it was free and they paid her.” He said even though his daughter had people to cook her meals, she wanted to prepare them herself.

“You know what, she paid herself, and in so doing graduated six months before her time with honours,” Baptiste said, adding that headhunters later offered her a job in any part of the world.

“So she made a choice and is outside there in Lubbock, Texas.”