You NEED to cut it

This week The Girlfriends return with a list of deal breakers in their close friendships with their “in real life” girlfriends. Sometimes the lines are blurred and because of the length of time you’ve invested in the relationship, or the secrets you hold for each or even the bonds of family, it’s difficult to determine when you need to cut it, if only for your sanity and peace of mind. But there will come a time when some people need to get the axe and be removed from your life especially when their actions are questionable and have you doubting the value or relevancy of the relationship.

Kimba: I think the most obvious sleeping with my man or my ex.

Staci: Always number one Kimba but two questions arise from this. 1. How recent an ex and 2. There are other things can friends do besides sleep with ya man, that is equally disgusting and you may be liable to cut ties as a result.

Kimba: The ex thing is really a “depends” yes... as a friend you would know how important this person was (or not). You always know when there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed and ones that could. You know when it’s going to hurt the other person if you went with them and you know others they won’t give a hoot about. Plus suppose your ex is the love of their life person? Suppose they are meant for each other? Would you really stand in the way of that? Katherine: Talking my business with people.

Kimba: Secret sharing is a def no no.

Mel: I think the big one for me is expecting us to be the same over time just because we’re friends. Over the years, I’ve lost two great female friends as a result.

Kimba: Being present when I’m being bad talked and not defending me because then I will begin to wonder why they so comfortable bad talking me with you too. Some friendships become toxic and I have cut a bff off because of it. It wasn’t just one thing but a culmination of repeated things that she did. Tried to ruin my friendships with others, bad talking me, lying… yeah, I cut that off. I still love her though but from afar!

Staci: I think sabotaging your relationship or reputation with other people is a sure sign of a toxic friend that needs to get cut.

Ronz: A big one for me is knowing something important and not telling me. I know it’s hard to share bad news like yuh man horning yuh or someone is trying to sabotage you at work but a close friend who would rather have me look like a fool than tell me what’s up is a deal breaker.

Kimba: This is true for me but think also the person who chose to tell and then lost their friend over it. Some people know their friend and choose to stay out of drama to preserve the friendship if they know the results can cause the loss of it. Me? I telling! Let the chips fall where they may.

Ronz: I agree Kimba and honestly, I wouldn’t be quick to tell every friend they man horning but my closest friends I would take that risk. I have no attachment to what they decide to do after I tell them but no close friend could ever come to me and say how I knew the horn was happening and I eh tell them.

Mel: Not supporting each other. We can’t be “all that” if we not supporting each other, I mean if you take more than ten minutes to acknowledge I’ve tagged you in an IG story - it’s over!

Staci: But what about in specific situations? Like after a divorce or breakup with your man and your friend seems more sympathetic to your ex than you? Plenty woman can’t deal with their friend remaining friends or friendly with their ex.

Mel: Friend divorce settlements are hard. The person in the middle has to be a champion. Be mature is my only rule.

Kimba: Yes, this is real hard and def an issue. Especially when it’s a bitter separation.

Mel: When I had my situation, it was hard but some friends shined and never chose sides. Don’t get me wrong though, everyone has an opinion and that is allowed but you have to think of both people and if they’re your friends, help or say nothing. And helping is saying good, general things, like “I always admired you guys as a couple” or “I still can’t believe it nah”… blah blah blah. Saying things like “iz not my business” is bad – it seems dismissive.

Ronz: Yeah, the division of friends is a tough one sometimes. I think people need to just make sure they are staying out of any “He said She said” stuff and avoid getting caught up in being the shoulder to cry on for the partner who wasn’t your friend to begin with, especially if you’re still very close with the other person.

Mel: I’m in a fading friendship now actually. Cutting the routine is hard but there are certain things that just aren’t done and said by true friends. It’s a delicate dance but I find it’s the same pain as going through a breakup with a lover.

Ronz: Exactly

Mel: And Sometimes worse. Especially if you put in work! Another friendship deal breaker for me… slinging things I confide in you back at me when we arguing! Not cool! If I talking to you about your relationship - after you asked for advice - and I give you, and it’s not what you want to hear, don’t fling that me and my man ain’t perfect in my face.

Ronz: Nah, friendship officially on pause for reassessment.

When it becomes tit for tat it means you want to show you better than me and that means this ain’t a friendship. Lying to me is another friendship killer. I can’t handle the confusion and doubt that lying creates.

Staci: Great point Ronz, so friends who can’t stand to see you win or is always trying to compete with you, what do we do with them?

Ronz: I’m not a competitive person so that would be super annoying. A friend who isn’t happy with your successes isn’t a friend. That’s an easy cut to make.

Mel: Eh liking nothing or sharing my small business posts on ya Facebook, I see your non-supportive behind, un-friend!

Katherine: Another deal breaker for me is if we go out and you never buy a rounds but always bumming drinks.

Ronz: Friends who sponge habitually are advantageous and usually users. Everyone might go through a low/tough period financially but if you routinely expect me to carry you when we go out, nah!

Staci: Sponging heffas, can’t stand ‘em. And what about someone who is always negative about everything every single time you guys interact? Arm’s length or cut it?

Kimba: Arm’s length. Everyone needs a friend! I’m guessing they must have some positive attributes someway! Staci: Or what about the friend who always drops you when she has a man and the minute they don’t work out she’s ringing off your phone wanting to make plans?

Niks: I’m that friend that don’t answer those types of calls anymore #sorrynotsorry

Ronz: You would only ketch me with that once. I may be open to reconnecting with you after the _ rst time but not twice #aintnobodygottimeforthat

Kimba: Also. People who just attract and create drama everywhere they go... tiresome.

Mel: Dais me though, sigh, lol.

Kimba: Hey no one is perfect we’ve all done things we weren’t proud of or were questionable... the thing is we can acknowledge it and grow and try to be better friends.

The Girlfriends is a group of 15 women between the ages of 26 - 45 who are willing to give an unadulterated look into their own experiences.

Some names have been changed for privacy