When your young one is not so 'innocent'

And I know it WILL come.

According to Sex Educator Onika Henry, there are some tell-tale signs that should give you an indication that the sexual urges are kicking in.

“They will have an increased understanding, in greater detail, of the biology of reproduction and sexual relations. They will spend increasing amounts of time alone and will want more privacy as they approach puberty. They may begin talking about romantic interests; relationships may begin and end with little apparent sign of change.” However, she says as long as you and your pre-teen have a good relationship, you will not be completely shut out and there are actions you can take to make the transition into another phase in their life easier. “They will be turning more to peers for advice and support than to you, but you will still play an active role in active listening and answering questions or countering inaccurate information. They will still look to you to model appropriate behaviour, especially those behaviours surrounding respect, tolerance, and acceptance of difference.” And at that time one thing is certain, “When it comes to sexuality the key is they recognise that sex is not just for procreation.” As with adult males, sexual urges are natural and present in young males. So if your son quickly switches to the window to the work he is actually supposed to be doing when you walk into his room, chances are if you check the history of his searches you will find a site with a little action going on. And I don’t mean the Deepwater Horizon type of action.

Henry says your reaction to your discovery can make or break the outcome of the situation, especially if you are one of those overly emotional parents. “Don’t overreact. How you respond to the situation can have more of an effect than the exposure itself. Don’t make it traumatic for the child. No threats, rantings etc.

Don’t be angry at the child,” or at least don’t let on that you are. “When you are calm and clear, talk to your child.” She highlights that the way in which you deal with matters of a pornographic nature doesn’t have to be any different to how you handle other sexuality-related situations. “Approach porn the same way you approach any issue about their child’s sexuality: 1) there are laws involved, 2) there is responsibility involved, 3) there may be a lifelong impact.

Accept that porn is part of sexuality and address your moral feelings about sex and about porn. Ask him if he has any questions and let him know that he can feel free to come to you about any questions he may have about sex.” Henry emphasises it is important that you do not make him feel as if his actions are abnormal or perverted. “Say to your child: ‘I know about what you were watching, and it is normal for you to want to look because you are curious and we/I understand that’.

Tell him that sex is good, and that it is normal and natural, but that pornography does not show healthy, true, and safe sexual activities.

That porn does not show real relationships and that persons are paid to act.” Make sure to explain that sexual activity is for adults, “because there are many things to learn and more development has to take place in the body, before sexual activity should start.” It is also very important to find out exactly where his exposure to porn emanated. “Ask him whether this is the first time he has seen this kind of material, and if not find out when and where, with whom etc. It may be that you need to speak to other parent if there are other children involved.” And immediately after you get all that out of the way, even before you stop to breathe a sigh of relief, “put a filter on whatever devices he uses.”