Farewell to the flesh... maybe

Perhaps you’re not about this ‘wining season’ at all and for you it’s retreat time, or a long weekend with the family. Whichever way you swing, the highlighted and heightened sensuality and sexuality of TT Carnival is very hard to miss. It is certainly a good time to think about the bodily pleasures and where you stand on sexual-decision-making. What influences your choices to engage, or not, in sexual activity? Do you ever compromise your standards and boundaries? Have you ever even clearly defined what your standards and boundaries are? If not, better late than never. Let me suggest how you can do that.

Before I do that, however, let me slip in some quick Carnival Ed for you. Although the etymology (origin and historical development of meaning) of the word is contested, “carnival” is apparently derived from the Italian, “carne levare” meaning the removal of meat (Crichlow and Armstrong, 2009) - hence the term “Farewell to the Flesh.” (Many of you may recall a song by calypsonian David Rudder with this title). Carnival was originally a Roman Catholic festival, lasting for three to five days, just prior to the 40 days of Lent which precede Easter. Lent was a time of penance and discipline, and in contrast, the preceding days were marked by a liberation from the usual social and moral constraints. Many of us enact this ritual with fair accuracy, participating in the drinking, eating, feteing and sexual expression in ways we would not normally do for the rest of the year, and then enter a period of rest or fasting for a while.

Often, it is the consequences of our sexual adventures and trysts, that can leave us with regrets and harm to our health. So just as you would take precautions to secure property and person during the festivities, so too should you safe guard and protect your sexual health. In an atmosphere that swamps and surrounds you with various messages about sex and sexuality - some may be positive and empowering, others are derogatory, shaming or misleading - how are you making sexual decisions that are right for you? Here is what I would suggest, and these are applicable in or out of the Carnival season: Arm yourself with information - Find out all the options available to you for safer sex to protect you from infections and to prevent unplanned or unwanted pregnancy. If you are allergic to latex, get non-latex or polyurethane male condoms, or use female condoms instead. NOTE that condoms do not protect you from all STIs, so you still need to be discriminating. For women, there is the ‘morning after pill’ which works well to prevent pregnancy if you have had unprotected sex, once you have not already ovulated, which leads to another issue - your awareness of how your menstrual cycle works. Be informed! Connect your brain with your body - You know very well that sexual arousal and desire can make you do things you didn’t really intend on doing (and with someone you really wouldn’t under normal circumstances). So recognise and understand how your desires and fantasies can get triggered and avoid or reduce those triggers. Make concrete and real plans to keep you from falling into temptation. We all know sex can get in the way of thinking smart.

Talk to your partner - In the sexually charged environment of ‘wining season’ how you do and your partner deal with sexual situations or challenges? Is there trust and freedom of movement? Do you know what each other expects and wants? Talk to each other and then try to establish some guidelines together.

Consent - This is a big one. “It is not consent, if you make someone afraid, ashamed or feel guilty for saying no.” When you hear “no”, do you think “maybe”? Think about your own assumptions about sexual activity and availability. How do you know if your partner/date is interested in engaging in sexual activity? ASK and BE CLEAR about the responses. And everyone, involved, has the right to change their minds.

Stay sober - You’ve heard this over and over. And it will never change. Various drugs impair decision making skills as well as physical control over one’s body. Do not make yourself vulnerable if you are unsure of your partner/ date. You cannot follow through with your plans for sexual health and safety if you are intoxicated or high.

Explore your sexual feelings fully.

- Who are you attracted to and why? Is it lust, or deeper and more complex? How strong are your desires? Do you want to take a risk with this person? Get Creative - Go beyond penetrative sex and explore other ways to be intimate and sensual with someone.

While there are no guarantees in life, these tips can help to reduce the chance of making unhealthy and unwise decisions. Once you decide #yuhjammingstill be safe and Happy Carnival! Onika Henry is a Tobago-based, trained Sex Educator (M.Ed. Human Sexuality) and a Certified Sex Coach.

She designs and implements workshops, training, and psycho-educational counselling, to address sexual health concerns.

Contact: Tobago: 381-3049.

Trinidad - Wholeness and Wellness Counselling Office: 347-1042