Honouring those who take on the role o Father

There are many that might interpret this as another ‘attack on manhood’. It’s not and if you don’t get what I’m saying, lucky you. Many though, will understand exactly what I mean and this article is just my way of saying don’t be bound by social norms. On this day that honours fathers don’t be afraid to celebrate the individual that filed that role in your life, whoever they may be.

No, I’m not some bitter feminist and I don’t hate men either. The West Indian social structure is very confusing. On the home front, it is matriarchal but the wider society strictly adheres to the Judeo-Christian norms of male dominance. So, at the bottom of it all we have a lot of women who get all the responsibility but none of the support.

In the 1950s Edith Clarke wrote the classic My Mother Who Fathered Me, a study of Jamaican family structures. The odd thing about the tome is that it is applicable largely across the Caribbean region, Trinidad included. The fact that it was written more than 60 years ago has not diminished the relevancy of the book either.

Unfortunately, as a people we have not progressed it seems. The same dysfunctional family structure guaranteed to ensure the perpetuation of a number of social ills continues to this day. In spite of this many, many women stand in the gap and do the dual role of mother and father. Father’s Day is just as applicable to them as to any man.

I don’t have a problem being the voice in the wilderness wishing Happy Father’s Day to the women that carry the weight of the world to raise their children (just as fathers that are both mom and dad should also be honoured on Mother’s Day).

This is not to discount the role of fathers in the lives of children. I know it well. Who could have cured me of the chronic case of daddyitis I had as a child? Although my mother was present in my life, we even lived in the same house, I have zero memories of her before my eighth birthday. I was that attached to my father. Luckily, I was born into a family that had a lot of great fathers, not all but many of my male relatives are the kinds of fathers that sound too good to be true. I know what both good and bad fathers look like. A good father is a great influence on a child, a bad father also has an influence. Too many men are just that, bad fathers. Then they sit and expect to be honoured and given gifts on this special day. You don’t get credit for work you didn’t do.

I did my research and there is a Sperm Donor day but it’s on Wednesday. I’m just saying.

The person filling the role of a father should be honoured whether it is a biological father, a step-father, an uncle, a neighbour, an aunt, a grandparent or a mother. Often times it is the mothers, single mothers and married single mothers that have to step up and do this. Being both mother and father is an unbelievably impossible task but since so many women do it each day, we tend to discount it. Don’t. It is these women that are keeping our society from falling apart.

I want to specially recognise the men that fill the role of missing fathers and raise children not biologically theirs with the same love and care as if they were. As a voracious reader, I came across the story of a family of Yemeni refugees that moved to South Korea. The father of the family was a young man that married an older woman with six children and he loved them like his own. I was really struck with admiration for his willingness to assume the task. Not many men are willing to take on that kind of responsibility. His wife and children absolutely adored him, it was very moving.

I’m not going to launch into a diatribe about the shortcomings of many fathers because there is no one way to be a good father. They come in all types. A man can have a grill like he robbed a jewelry store with his teeth and be an amazing father, just as much as a man can be well-spoken and well-dressed and be a rotten louse of a dad. A man’s love for and involvement in his children’s life has nothing to do with his level of education or socio-economic status. My grandfather, God rest his soul, was an under-educated brute of a man but he was an amazing husband and father. There are only three requirements to be a good father: give guidance, be involved in every aspect of their lives and make the child a priority (not just in words). The fact is being a good father has nothing to do with gender or even sexual orientation.