The liar within

She first tried to kill herself at 13.

Her fight to win that battle is documented in her book The Pathological Liar Within (the enemy).

Initially, what became her book was a suicide note. In the blurb, she says, “I started writing this book not because I felt inspired, but because I was tired. Tired of life. It was meant to be my suicide letter. Today, as I write the synopsis for this book, I’m in awe of the transformational grace of Yahweh. I could have never (sic) imagined that I would ever be in this position.” Henry, 32, from Barataria, told Newsday, “All of this started from as far back as I could remember. It just took different stages.

“The biggest thing back then was my size.

It started with my size, and because it was so much of a focus, in school that was all I could focus on, and so it showed in my academics. I did not do well in school at all. That was another factor...because I was not doing well in school, the thoughts of being stupid and dumb started to play in my head.” For many women, Head of Psychiatry at the Northwest Regional Health Authority (NWRHA) Dr Gerard Hutchinson said in emailed responses, body image is extremely important in terms of their self-image and self-esteem.

People are teased, he said, about being too big or too skinny, although, he added, “the limits are now changing as more people become obese.” He said that body image problems could also occur after children were sexually abused, such issues often led to eating disorders, depression and even suicide.

For Henry, her battle with weight constantly fed the “lies” in her head. She said, over time, those “lies” became bigger. “My biggest desire and dream for myself was to be a mother and a wife. That was it there for me. The thought of a career wasn’t high in my head because I thought I was stupid. I thought the way I could contribute to society was by putting everything I had into a husband and into children. Impacting their lives and then looking at them and have them impact society.” Henry had hoped that all of this would have happened by the time she was 24, but it did not.

“When those ages came around and I realised, ‘Okay, so everything I thought I would have – because in my mind I was taking the easy way out by just wanting a husband and children – did not happen,’ I was like, ‘So what now’? “I had no plan B and from there the destructive behaviour and self-sabotage kicked in to high gear and it just started getting out of control.” Her battle with what she defined as the “lies within” began even before that: she recalled having similar thoughts at 19 after being told she needed minor surgery and developed hypochondria.

“I would look at my body and couldn’t find anything to love at all,” she said.

Notions of ideal body weight, Hutchinson said, were fuelled by media. Media reflected what is worthy of approval, especially now, “with the celebrity/reality TV culture, and cosmetic surgery and photoshop”. There is always a search for perfection though what is valued is changing, he added.

The five-feet six-inches Henry at 27, weighed 350 pounds and her attempts at weight-loss were unsuccessful. She tried numerous diets and exercise regimes such as zumba but they did not work.

“I was also an emotional eater, so when [weight loss] did not work I would then drown myself in food. After that the cycle of feeling so guilty for overeating, I would start to cry.” To combat body image issues, Hutchinson said, women needed to develop their self-worth through education, by supporting each other, and by developing their personalities as well as their bodies.

This also applied to men as well and recognising that taking care of their bodies is fundamental to good health as well.

Despite all the internal turmoil she felt, those around her knew nothing.

“All of this was happening and no one around me knew anything, because on the flip side I am always the person who is always smiling, always have positive things to say...I knew what I should have been thinking, I knew all of what I said to myself was a lie, but I had no control over it.” She recalled often lying on the floor crying at night, then drying her tears as soon as anyone visited her.

Her mother Sharon Henry-Superville said she was unaware of the depth of her daughter’s struggle. She knew Henry had an issue with her weight, but not how much it hurt her. Describing Shemelia as her world, Henry-Superville said she would have been more pained by what her daughter was going through if she knew.

Shemelia is Superville-Henry’s only child and she lives with her mother.

Meanwhile, says Henry, “Thoughts of suicide [were] in my mind 24/7 for years. My waking up was like, ‘How am I going to survive today?’” “Suicide was my normal. After a while it became too much and I could not pretend any longer.” When she attempted suicide at 27 she began to write. “On that final time that is when I started to write...so it was not anything coherent. I wrote ‘fat, ugly, stupid, dumb’ and things like that, because it was so overwhelming, I could not form sentences. But it was intended to be a letter to explain to my mother that she did nothing wrong and it was all me.” The impact of such issues were often seen, societally, in abusive relationships that are condoned because of body image issues, Hutchinson said. He added problems between parents and children over body image issues with children sometimes using eating disorders were also seen as a result.

“Health problems –current exponential increase in diabetes among the young. Increases in bullying and online relationships where people can create identities and hide their body image issues,” he said, were also problems developed as a result of body image issues.

But Henry instead took her challenges and turned them into a positive. She said,“After writing that – and I have no idea what prompted this – I started writing the answers, responses [to what I wrote]...like if someone came to me and said they were tired of life. I began writing what I would have said to them.

“While writing that I calmed down...a few days after, the feeling came back again, and again I started writing a letter. That happened a few times. One day I looked at my laptop and I had written 23 pages. Writing a book was nowhere on the agenda for me, I am someone who did not do well in school...spelling is the hardest thing for me, so writing a book was not for me. But I thought, this is probably the one opportunity to help someone...I wanted to be that for someone else and I said, ‘Let me attempt to turn this into a book and leave it for someone’.” Today Henry continues her exercise regime and has become vegan.

Henry also credited her newfound strength to God. She attends a family-based Adventist church. She has not sought medical help, but believes that God has and will continue to help her get over it.

Her 83-page book was self-published and is available from Henry at 779-3025 or zariakc@gmail.

com.