Marriage & the Children

The dominant dynamic in the family is one of “independence.” The parents are training, spending money, and educating their children to become more and more independent – to stand and succeed on their own feet. However, in the fusion relationship of marriage, the couple should be endeavoring to become more “interdependent”; seeking to increasingly work together as a merging unit in achieving agreed goals, objectives and priorities.

Thus, the couple must seek to diligently preserve the primarily “direct communication” between themselves, and prevent it from being channeled through the children. For example, “John tell your mother I am going…” and “Susan tell your father that I am taking…” Often, when this occurs in increasing measure and the young adults have finally flown, the paternal nest becomes empty in more ways than one. It is therefore not surprising that some marriages actually break-up on the departure of their offspring.

The above can also be part of a wider, and more serious, development which I have entitled “juvenile-run homes”; where the needs, desires and wants of the children take priority over the requirements of the emerging marriage. In fact, “the fusing process of marriage” may be actually stopped in order to maximise the maturing of the teenagers and their supporting amenities and environments. This can often lead to, as one recent group of seminar-participants concluded – “successful households; but grossly under-developed and malnourished marriages.”

As with many other scenarios, prevention is better than cure and immediate action better than delayed responses. Thus, from the outset, or even before, the arrivals of the newborns, the husband and wife should formulate and seek to implement a strategy and course of action that adequately address “the growth of the marriage in the midst of the blooming of the family.” Simply put, this must entail “times, places and activities with the kids” and distinct “times, places and activities without the kids”! The implementation can start when it is possible and practical to leave the infant or toddlers in the safe care of a relative or other trusted individual. Here, weekend and holiday camps for juniors can provide golden opportunities for the married parents to reenergize or advance their relationship either separately or in supported groups.

In the addition, there is the on-going academic, professional and career advancements of the couple to be intentionally and skillfully interwoven with the raising of the next generation. As I have indicated in previous articles, family or paid support – full-time or part-time, may be required to achieve an acceptable balance. This seeks to avoid the ugly specter of an obviously-neglected teen or teenager - whether physically, emotionally or psychologically- in a beautiful house-setting.

In the event of the premature end of the marriage, either through death or divorce, with budding youngsters to be nurtured, all the above become much harder to achieve; but must never be completely abandoned. For those marriages unable to have offspring of their own, the prospects of adoption or the mentoring of under-supported adolescents can also make the aforementioned road more difficult to navigate safely to the haven of full adulthood. But in the end, the experience of joy and meaningful accomplishment that can be felt in the milestone of seeing fully-matured adults with their own progressive households, regardless of the start and hurdles along the way, cannot be engineered, manufactured or substituted.

Yet we must always remember that “the children will come and the children will go, but the marriage and living must continue!”