The Christmas shopping season is upon us.
The annual splurge, the 12-monthly flushing of wallets, the once-ayear festival of credit card-bashing.
It’s the time that strikes fear into the hearts of those whose bank account doesn’t measure up to the joy in their soul that wants to be expressed in material terms.
For some people, this lemming- like rush to the shops has been pre-empted in recent years by the emergence of Black Friday, a ludicrous American contrivance that still feels somehow wrong to this observer. Wrong because when the word “black” is used in such a context it usually means something bad.
It’s the colour of mourning, the ties and armbands that tell the world somebody has died and we’re sad about it.
Black Wednesday was a financial crisis in 1992 involving the struggling pound Sterling. There were Black Mondays in 1987 and 1929, both involving stock market crashes.
Black Tuesday was the day after the 1929 Black Monday.
Whoever invented the name Black Friday did so with complete disregard for convention, because it means something good: the day when retailers, who barely scrape by the rest of the year, suddenly receive a deluge of cash that puts their bank account into the black. And the rest of us can’t begrudge them that. It’s like the shopkeeper’s equivalent of harvest time for farmers.
So some people may well be doing their Christmas shopping early these days, taking advantage of the bargains that used to come in January, when it’s too late.
The traditionalists, though, still do it all in December, and it is then that we become not just customers but idiots. In our own line of work, whatever that may be, we are experts and the rest of the world is a collection of halfwits who don’t understand.
It’s different when we take a walk outside at lunchtime, though, with a mental checklist that for some is concrete and unalterable: cardigan for grandma, and she doesn’t like pink; blood-curdling video game for son, and don’t be frightened of the weirdos in the shop. For such intrepid purchasers this is like a military exercise, carried out with a hardnosed, blinkered determination.
For the rest of us, Christmas shopping is a nerve-jangling search for inspiration, our vague ideas waiting for a eureka moment when we can see our loved-one’s face creased with delight at our perceptiveness.
As one who belongs firmly in the second category, one year in London I took a sixty-minute break from selling bottles of wine to people who barely knew how to spell the word and entered a large chain store that had started as a stationery and newspaper joint before expanding to include music, posters, games and suchlike. Suddenly it hit me like a bolt from the blue (grey, actually): I would buy everybody an album. For the benefit of younger readers, these were 12-inch vinyl discs containing recorded music and each came with a colourful, informative cardboard sleeve. Yes, a bit like CDs, but a lot better for rolling large cigarettes on.
My brothers and my sister, no problem. I knew what they liked.
And the parents, well, even if I didn’t hit the mark, they would appreciate the gesture. A line of self-justifying thought formed quickly: you can agonise over these things for days and still get it wrong, so why not just go for it? Go with your gut instinct.
Half an hour later I was back in the wine shop with a couple of heavy bags and a feeling of satisfaction. I was particularly pleased with the choice I had made for my Dad: a pop/rock album (a genre which he didn’t like) by Ian Dury, a wordsmith whose lyrical skills and sense of humour I thought would cross boundaries.
The head of our household would be surprised, sceptical, disappointed and then, bam! He would understand and would treasure the album forever.
That night I shared the secret with my younger brother, who gave me what can only be described as a withering look. “Have you considered,” he said weightily, “the track that starts ar”:*&es, ba@#$ards, &$%^ing c*()+s and pr?><s”? He was right. The song is called Plaistow Patricia and the album is New Boots and Panties. And playful, fun-loving Dury had prefaced it with a completely uncalled-for tirade of obscenities. Even after a couple of beers, two dry martinis and a bottle of burgundy, the old man was not going to think it was funny.
I kept the album for myself and made a much more conservative choice to replace it. But that was it: presents in the b a g ready to be assaulted by my wrapping skills.
Mission accomplished.