A brief guide to socialism

Proletariat: Everyone must call one another “brother” or “sister”, unless they’re talking to their actual brother or sister, in which case they may call them Donald or Velma. All people will cooperate for the greater good of the people. Any person who does not cooperate must be jailed on the charge of not cooperating for the greater good of the people. In jail, prisoners will learn respect for the masses by reading The Communist Manifesto and cooking peas and rice. Any prisoner who snickers while reading The Communist Manifesto will have the soles of his feet tickled until he is cured of inappropriate humour. If he continues to giggle at the labour theory of value, he will be taken outside and shot.

Media: Make it illegal for the media to print the cricket scores of teams from capitalist nations, especially if they are beating the West Indies. If they are losing, however, the media must print these scores on their front pages, preferably in red ink. A socialist government will also outlaw irony, including statements like “Forbes Burnham brought Guyana to its present state of prosperity”, “I bought two loaves of bread this morning”, or “I have a red pencil box”. The media must always refer to leaders respectfully – approved titles are Dear Leader, Dearest Leader, and Priceless Leader.

Education: All people must be taught to read and write, except literature that criticises Marx, Mao, Castro, and Barney the Dinosaur. Everyone must be able to add, subtract, and falsify production figures. All children who display independent and critical thinking must be identified early and placed in a special class, where such tendencies can be beaten out of them. All classes shall begin with students chanting, “We are committed socialists who will stamp out the oppressive neoliberal capitalist system in order to save the masses.” At recess, each child will be required to find a tree and hug it.

Legal System: Under a socialist system, the law must treat all people equally, except rich people, since treating them with bias equalises the historical prejudice that made them rich in the first place. All lawyers will be outlawed, with cases determined by a jury of peers. Anyone who believes in the market’s invisible hand, the Kondratieff business cycle, or eyeliner will have no peers in a socialist society.

Such persons will instead have their cases heard by trained parrots, who will sentence them to 10 years in jail and crackers. The death penalty will be mandatory for persons who denigrate Karl Marx, while anyone who imitates Groucho Marx will be sentenced to five years shelling peas.

Government: The State will control the commanding heights of the economy, including nuts vendors. The law of supply and demand will be repealed, and the law of gravity amended so overweight people can feel good about themselves. The most important power reserved to the executive is the power to execute. This power encompasses capitalist spies, Five-Year Plans, and recalcitrant chickens. Only State officials will be allowed to have beards, but no official shall grow a beard larger than the leader’s. Members of the proletariat may have hairy ears, if male, and unshaved armpits, if female.

Defending socialism: Since socialism makes all men equal, and all women happy, the neoliberal capitalist imperialist agents of the IMF World Bank World Trade Organisation multinationals Group of Seven nations will, obviously, attempt to undermine all socialist regimes. These agents will use any underhanded technique, including historical fact, economic reality, and a reliable electricity supply. A socialist must know how to counteract such attempts at subversion. If a capitalist stooge points out that socialism has failed in every country it has ever been tried, say the very fact that such regimes failed proves that they weren’t true socialist regimes. If another capitalist stooge points out that central planning makes it impossible to respond to market demands, say that the market shouldn’t demand anything but should ask nicely. If another capitalist stooge points out that capitalism has brought greater prosperity, freedom and equity to workers than socialism, say that he is a capitalist stooge. Repeat umpteen times.

Conclusion: Given the preceding, it is clear that setting up a socialist system in the 21st century requires the deepest reserves of stupidity, hypocrisy, or demagoguery. Luckily, there will always be individuals who fit this description, so rest assured that the Revolution will live on and may even be televised.

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