Various visions

The Vision 2020 Committee recently started having public panel discussions in order to get feedback from citizens. “Your contribution is important!” says the committee’s ads: an assertion which I seriously doubt, since they haven’t even set up an automatic programme to acknowledge e-mails, let alone hired anyone to actually read people’s suggestions. But, in any case, various individuals and organisations have already made it clear what kind of vision they have for the future of Trinidad and Tobago. So, in order to help out the Vision 2020 Committee, I have as a public service (because that’s the kind of self-sacrificing guy I am) written the following manifestos in order to reflect these various views. Afrocentric Vision: In the year 2020, young black men will not murder, steal, or wear their pants round their knees. This will be because all black people will have African names and will offer daily libations to the ancestors.

African youths will win as many national scholarships as youths of other races, since the Selwyn Cudjoe Equal Opportunity Act will ensure this. They will also be able to get free tertiary education, once they have the required qualifications of dark skin, kinky hair, and a flat nose. Africans will be prosperous as well, since the Act will enable them to get jobs in any company which has too many persons of other races. Every black man will wear a dashiki, and those who don’t will be required to wear a label marked “Mook.” Indocentric Vision: In the year 2020, there will be no more douglas. Africans will only make children with Africans, Indians will only marry Indians, and mixed people will be too ashamed to have sex. Scientists will discover that the oldest civilisation started in India, that Indians’ business acumen is genetic, and that potbellies are a sign of masculinity. By 2020, all Christian and Muslim Indians will have converted back to Hinduism. Ramleela will get more State funding than Carnival.

Indian women will obey their husbands, cook every day, and take licks for love. There will be a treaty with India to send three battleships if dem creole try to oppress people of Indian origin in Trinidad and Tobago. There will be a statue of Devant Parsuram Maharaj in the Sat Maharaj Promenade. Chamber Vision: In the year 2020, there will be no trade unions, no minimum wage, and no business taxes. Workers will be happy to work for food and clothing — well, uniforms — and prefabricated housing. There will be a ten-hour workday, except for managers who will work only four hours, thus enabling our country to produce more golf champs like Steven Ames. The Police Service will have been privatised so that business people would never get a traffic ticket, thus ensuring greater productivity. There will be no bail for anyone whose income is under $200,000 per annum and the Government will hang criminals every week (criminals being defined as murderers, kidnappers, and shoplifters). Every employee will be secure and happy and hard-working, and will be fired if they are not.

Trade Union Vision: In the year 2020, Trinidad and Tobago will be a socialist state. Everyone will be employed at a high salary, but not as high as the union leaders. There will be a unified trade union body, with one President-General who all the other union leaders will obey without question (unless the question is “Would my revered leader like a foot massage?”) The unions will decide if workers work or strike or have an all-fours tournament. If any worker decides not to strike, he will have his jack hanged and his family beaten up. All non-Marxist economists will be fired from the university and all capitalist texts burnt, including Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. This country will cut all ties with the United States, except when trade union leaders have to go to Miami to shop. Bible Vision: In the year 2020, there will be no homosexuals. Anyone with homosexual inclinations will be counselled until they are heterosexual. If they do not accept Jesus and become heterosexual, they will be put to death as God’s law in Leviticus 20:13 decrees. So will people who murder, commit adultery, blaspheme, and worship on the Sabbath, as God’s unchanging law also decrees.

This will ensure that there is no crime in the land and everyone will be truly blissful. Education levels will also rise, since false theories like evolution and relativity will be outlawed and everyone will be able to buy a PhD. Islamic Vision: In the year 2020, Carnival will be abolished and the law against wining will be enforced by men with rubber hoses. Women will have to dress in modest clothes so they do not inflame men’s lust, and any woman who inflames lust will be spanked by men with rubber hoses. All books will be banned except those which a true Muslim must read, such as the Holy Qu’ran, the Hadith, and How to Fly a Plane in Three Easy Lessons. Murderers will be beheaded, fornicators will be stoned to death, and calypsonians will have their tongues cut off.

In this way, everyone will be happy, productive, disciplined, caring, and devout. Anyone who refuses to be happy, productive, disciplined, caring, and devout will be beheaded. Feminist Vision: In the year 2020, women will no longer be forced to shave their armpits. Having a vagina will qualify women for political office when there are more than 50 percent males. The education system and the workplace will have gender sensitivity training so men can learn how to cry, how to be faithful, and how to vacuum under the couch. Society will teach men to have the utmost respect for self-absorbed feminists, and to readily believe any feminist who claims to be a brainy writer, no matter how ludicrous her ideas or how pretentious her prose. Darlene Beddoe, Shawna Maharaj, and Leasel Rovedas will be declared illegal. Beauty contests will be replaced by the Hazel Brown Women’s Activist Pageant.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh