My job applications

I’m thinking of changing careers. I enjoy being a freelance writer, but there are no real benefits in it. True, I can attack incompetent politicians, mock religious fundamentalists, and even send self-absorbed female columnists into near-apoplexy: but these are only passing pleasures. Besides, this job requires me to know a little bit about everything, although I still can’t figure out why fat men wear Speedos. No, what I want is a job where I can earn a large salary without having to think, work, or call anyone “Bubbles.”

Dear Gordon Deane:
 I wish to become a member of the Integrity Commission. As a newspaper columnist, I have written extensively about ethics, and even resigned on principle a couple of times. However, I am sure that this does not disqualify me from sitting on your Commission. You will be pleased to know that I have been wearing glasses since I was eight years old, and so will not find it difficult to turn a blind eye on even the most egregious transgressions. Whether Prime Ministers appoint their wives as Government Ministers, or take free jetplane rides from energy companies who later get contracts, I assure you that I can be just like the three monkeys, but less hairy. Please let me know the terms and conditions of my employment, if that is not too loose a word.
Yours truly
Kevin Baldeosingh

After I’d written this, however, I realised I should be more ambitious. After all, if I was looking for a job with good pay and little or no work, I should really be thinking of entering Parliament. I mean, I’ll just have to go out one day for the week, while the rest of the time I can spend going to cocktail parties, giving speeches at official functions, and napping in my office. I know some people believe that Government Ministers work very hard, but my own view can be summed up by our politicians’ favourite phrase when caught in bobol: Where’s the evidence?

Dear Mr Prime Minister:
I wish to implore you to use your good office to get me a job as a Government Minister. I believe I am well-qualified to be in the Cabinet, for I have a curved nose bridge and similar behind. In politics, as you well know, perception is everything. My nose will help bridge the racial divide, while my maximus gluteus will be a definite asset. When campaigning in Central districts, I can talk to the crowd with my head turned sideways, so they can see my kshaytri ancestry. When we are in the East-West corridor I can address the crowds facing away so they can confirm the Out-of-Africa theory. I am also quite intelligent, but I am sure I can conceal this when in public so as not to spoil your party’s image. Please let me know what my salary will be, minus kickbacks from airport runways, housing projects, and new Parliament buildings.
Yr Obedient Servant
Kevin Baldeosingh

On further consideration, however, I started wondering if the stress was worth it: not the work, for obviously Government Ministers don’t actually have to work hard, they just have to look so. But more and more it seems that being a Minister always has the threat of jail hanging over it: and my assets would definitely not be an asset in that situation. So it occurred to me that the best way to be in a position to break the law but not go to jail is to become a police officer. So I immediately sat down and dashed off the following missive:

Dear Commissioner Trevor Paul:
I am desirous of entering the Police Service, either as a senior police officer or a powerful decongestant. I feel I can be a great asset to the Service, especially if I get to work with that slim red policewoman who is sometimes assigned to Parliament. By hiring me, you will immediately improve the image of the Service. For one thing, I can spell. For another, I have naturally curly hair. It’s not often you find both attributes going together. I realise, of course, that I would have to adapt to the needs of the Service, but I am sure I can do so with diligent effort. So, while I do not yet have a potbelly, I am sure I can acquire one soon after I graduate from training. I am also a rather polite person, but forgetting my manners should not prove too difficult. And, while I have no background in agriculture, I am sure I can soon learn to plant guns when I shoot poor black people who get me vex. Please let me know at what pay scale I will be hired at, exclusive of bribes.
Sincerely yours,
Kevin Baldeosingh

Only after I had penned this, however, did I remember how risky police work really is: after all, I might get assigned to direct traffic. So I started wondering in what other field I could make oodles of money without having to do any real work. And, lo! the answer did come upon me like a revelation:

Dear Reverend Paul:
I am applying for the position of Religious Leader. I already know more about religion than any pastor, pundit or imam in Trinidad and Tobago, so you can appoint me as leader in any faith. I can do like Archbishop Gilbert and say that only Catholics have perfect knowledge of God; or like Maha Sabha leader Sat Maharaj and say that non-violence is not part of Hinduism; and if anyone asks me if women should be stoned to death for adultery, I can do like Brother Noble Khan and say only if Trinidad becomes an Islamic state. I give you my fullest assurance that I can abandon my ethics, humanist principles, and rationalism for the right salary and the privilege of hobnobbing with the highest in the land. Please let me know the terms and conditions of my employment, and whether I will have to wear a gown.
Faithfully yours,
Kevin Baldeosingh

E-mail:
kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: 
www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh