Patrick unedited

As I watched Prime Minister Patrick Manning’s Christmas message last week, I was lost in wonder. Little did I know that Trinidad and Tobago possessed interstellar capabilities, for clearly Mr Manning was living on a different planet. Then I caught myself and laughed: the PNM leader wasn’t speaking from a different world, obviously! He was just in a different country. Maybe the Government had bought a satellite without telling us. By the end of Mr Manning’s address, my wonder had not abated. But I was convinced that we had not heard his entire speech. Even if he was in a different world (or country or island or lily pad), and even understanding politicians’ immense capacity for fooling themselves, and even knowing their greater penchant for fooling citizens, it seemed to me unlikely — nay, impossible — that the Prime Minister could have delivered a speech so disconnected from reality. He had to have been the victim, or the perpetrator, of ruthless editing. Either way, there had to be a speech we had not heard.

I was resolved to use all my journalistic skills to unearth this document. But after ten minutes of searching (three for my pen, two for my notepad, and four for an itch in the small of my back) I was exhausted. But it took only one minute of investigative reporting to find the original document purportedly written by Mr Manning himself. And I can assure readers that the following Xmas message, with the parts left out by Mr Manning in brackets, is as original as I have been able to make it.

My fellow citizens:
This evening I greet you as our nation celebrates this Christmas season (except for pagans like Sat Maharaj and the Muslim fella who want to remove my Trinity Cross). Traditionally, Christmas is a time when people all over the world recall and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ (for, as we all know, non-Christians, agnostics, and atheists are not really people). For the Christian community, it was that event which heralded the redemption of mankind and the promise of eternal life (hard luck for them Hindus and Buddhists and Jainists). Through the earthly presence of His Holy Son amongst us we were assured of God’s enduring mercy and everlasting love (but not for the non-believers in south-east Asia). The story of Jesus’s birth is well-known and, where it is not, we should hope and pray that it will be (which is why my Government give so much money to evangelical churches in self-help). Born in the humblest of circumstances among animals in a stable, the Christ child would come to symbolise and personify hope for man’s salvation (except homos).

Christmas is therefore a time of great spiritual significance, marking as it does the descent of the divine amongst us (and I pray, Lord, that after spreading your Word you will keep a place for me in Heaven, plus an infinite number of Mercedes-Benzs). For this, it is a season of rejoicing and celebration. But, just as well, it ought to be one of reflection and soul-searching (am I a greater Prime Minister than Eric or just better-looking?) It is in this context that I have chosen to say a few words to you as we celebrate during this Yuletide season. We in Trinidad and Tobago have a lot that we must celebrate (like Keith getting catch with that land development thing). Surely we are in no way a perfect society (but that is the fault of the Opposition). Many are the challenges we must face and which lie ahead of us (I myself am worried about keeping my cheeks chubby).

But one of the many historical coincidences that have brought our diverse people together, we have already managed to forge a nation firmly governed by rule of law (except when we are governed by Abu Bakr and those other community leaders I favour] and in which daily and relentlessly we pursue with increasing success the preservation of democracy (once we don’t have to do so through the Integrity Act or any Constitutional reforms which reduce my absolute power) and the enhancement of the rights and freedoms of our people (except people like Marlene Coudray and Devant Maharaj).

Through careful husbanding of our resources and capabilities (I am referring to Hazel, of course) we are seeing the unfolding today of that great and manifest destiny that was ever before us. To be sure, lurking in the shadows are certain enemies of Trinidad and Tobago which we are fighting and now defeating (that is why they in Opposition). There is no gainsaying that crime, kidnapping, floods, and traffic gridlocks continue to trouble us (well, not me: I have armed guards, my sons live overseas, I live on a hill, and police outriders clear the roads for me). These notwithstanding, much more is happening for us on the bright side. Our economy peaked with an unprecedented level of growth in the order of 13.2 percent (enabling us to give more jobs to the boys). But alas, such a development will mean very little if at base it did not result along the way in tangible benefits for the people of our nation. The Government is therefore leaving no stone unturned in this regard (which is why we hired CEPEP workers to paint them).

Already, the growth and development we are experiencing are making it possible for us to facilitate a virtual revolution in education (my wife is teaching horny teenagers not to have sex). Universal pre-school education will lay a proper foundation for a knowledge-based, knowledge-driven society (once we don’t let fellas like Lloyd Best or Denis Solomon or Julian Kenny corrupt young minds with their so-called learning). Witness also our programmes in housing and health care (but do not give testimony). The Government, my family and I extend our best wishes for a safe and holy Christmas and a Happy New Year. (With the help of your tax dollars, we will certainly have one).