IF HOWARD WERE A TRINI

IT happened on Friday morning. I was sitting doing some communications multi-tasking, a skill that I assume is mechanically acquired by reporters after years on the job and is best described as the ability to monitor several media simultaneously, which means that our journalist brains are trained to carry out two duties: filter out the trivial news and to direct our eyes or ears toward information of import. So, thus, on Friday morning, I was concurrently perusing the dailies, listening to local radio and monitoring the international news on BBC World TV; the aim of my third occupation: learning the result of the British general election, having drifted into dreamland the night before, shortly after Prime Minister Tony Blair duly declared himself proud of Labour’s third consecutive and historic victory.

And that’s when IT happened. Tory Leader, Michael Howard was on the television making his concession speech. The Conservatives’ defeat at the polls was certain, he announced. It was Howard’s next sentence though which made me weak at the knees, even though I was seated. “I’ve said that if people don’t deliver then they go — and for me delivering meant winning the election. I didn’t do that,” Howard was saying and he was adding that he would go sooner than later, as soon as his party put in place the mechanism for electing a leader. Wow, was I seeing a politician keeping his word and leading by example? This was a strange beast. I felt truly faint. But, Howard wasn’t finished there. His final declaration had me, Suzanne Mills, the least sentimental of persons, close to tears.

“I want to do now what is best for my party and, above all, for my country,” Howard announced. I was really moved. “Oh my God,” I mused, “this is bona fide, not bush Westminster. Why we can’t have just one leader who knows how to step aside after losing an election? Best for party and country? Can Michael Howard really mean what he’s saying? He’s putting country before himself?” I wondered whether, nay, I hoped that our politicos had read and/or understood my column of last Sunday and had switched on their TV sets to watch BBC or CNN. They probably hadn’t and even if they were now watching Michael Howard, they’d never follow his political suit. Our leaders seemed to be quite selective when it came to the sort of foreign attitudes and expertise they permitted to enter TT’s shores. The rest of us had to settle for vicarious democracy, and thus, we could only gain access to the type of leadership we desired via our TV sets.

Sob, sob. From melancholy I moved to mirth, as it occurred to me to imagine what Michael Howard would have said were he a Trini leader. First of all, a true Trini politician would never have admitted defeat, not in public. This is what Michael would have declared - if he were born in Trinidad: “We didn’t win the elections, but neither did we lose. And anyway, we have information that the poll was rigged, which we intend to bring to the attention of the police and the election authorities. As such, and in the meantime, we will make this land ungovernable. “We will storm out the Parliament for no good reason, other than the fact that one of our Senators always has to play man, loves to throw tantrums and craves being the centre of attention. We shall make tiffs over tea the focal point of our opposition campaign.

And we’ll promise accountability in public life because the people like to hear that. When we get back in power, we’ll forget how to answer questions.” If Howard were Trinidadian he would then give his party members a good tongue-lashing about the merest whisper of his resignation. This is what he would tell them: “But I never see a more ungrateful pack of corbeaux than all yuh. Neemakarans! We get 197 seats, 33 more than in 2001 and you want me to resign? Well if I go, all go, as simple as that. Is not me who lost, but all of us. And anyone with an unholy ambition should remember two things: first of all, I read the Prince and secondly, Psalm 1 predicts doom for the ungodly that stand in the judgment of the righteous.

So, I eh going nowhere, not as long as they have pacemakers in Cuba and angioplasty in London. I’ll be dying in office. “Anyway, I can’t leave now because I can’t see anyone else who can lead this party, which will surely collapse without me.” Then he would use his election night speech to rebuke his party people for their lack of belief in him and in the electorate: “You know; you are of little faith. “What happen, you don’t believe in political reincarnation or in Benny Hinn? This country is full of fickle folk, each with his particular morality. Soon enough they will all forget how much they didn’t like me and why. They are sure to forget that my regime was once spendthrift and built a real expensive airport.

“They’ll forget about the 110 murders, the kidnappings and gang violence. And before you can say “five years,” I — and that means you too — will be back in power. It will be worth the wait because then it’ll be contracts once again for the boys and golf in Tobago or perhaps even a private jet for me. So chin up and in the meantime, enjoy the food and drink and the soca and chutney. After all, this is still a victory party, people. You getting on as if I lost the election!”

suz@itrini.com

Columnist’s note: From time to time, I’m asked the question: “What does the RHOCD in the title of your column mean, again?” For those who have forgotten, RHOCD signifies, Red House Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.