A Trini dictionary

amendment n. the main device used by Government to take away people’s rights to free speech, information, and justice.

army n. a military organisation very competent at beating up defenceless citizens who offend them; not so good at defending themselves against bandits with guns.

assault n. a criminal offence which is punishable by imprisonment or a fine, unless you are a Government Minister.

bandits n. the only class of citizens now permitted to move freely at any time of day or night.

bat n. a device made of willow wood, becoming increasingly unfamiliar to the West Indies cricket team.

beat v. the method of raising children most favoured by Trinidadians, who nonetheless attribute rising crime to its lack.

cocaine n. an addictive substance used to help smooth diplomatic negotiations.

condom n. a plastic device which may save your life, but will surely send your soul to Hell.

crime n. the main employment open to young, black men; what the Government cannot control without losing votes of young, black men.

doctor n. a professional with a licence to kill.

deny v. what UWI engineering lecturers do to established scientific theories and historical facts. (see reality)

education n. a Ministry which exists to provide a well-paid job for the Prime Minister’s wife.

exercise v. an activity which is best performed in an $850 million complex. (see stadium)

find v. what police cannot do with killers or kidnappers. (see police)

fraud n. a business method favoured by politicians.

free adj. how party supporters feel they should get housing, jobs, and KFC.

gender n. a concept which greatly offends pastors, since it may lead to equal rights for women.

greed n. an intense and selfish desire for wealth or power or food, or the real basis for seeking political office.

gravy n. a kind of train which all politicians and party hacks hope to ride.

homosexual n. a being more powerful than God, since he has the power to split the church.

ignorance n. the main qualification required to be a radio talkshow host. (see radio)

incest n. a crime which does not outrage religious leaders enough to split their church (see morality, homosexual)

information n. knowledge which is every citizen’s right, except when it concerns Selwyn Cudjoe’s appointment to the Central Bank board.

judiciary n. a body of men and women who dispense justice, except to the wealthy and well-connected.

kidnapping v. a highly profitable business which is getting easier daily.

knowledge n. a disadvantage for anyone who wants to be a priest, pastor, pundit or imam.

leaders n. individuals who have influence in the community, URP, and Whitehall.

morality n. a set of values used to cover intolerance, bigotry, and the sodomy of small boys. (see knowledge)

nullify v. what the Government is attempting to do with every piece of legislation which might expose their incompetence or corruption. (see amendment)

oil n. a fossil fuel which provides money to fling at problems, buy votes, and make competence unnecessary.

parliament n. a place where reasoned argument is never allowed to prevail, lest a precedent be set.

police n. an organisation whose main function is to check drivers’ licences, respond to calls after the criminals are safely gone, and shoot citizens who irritate them.

promotion n. an elevation to a higher post which is blocked by the Prime Minister even when he doesn’t have the authority to do so.

quick n. a word which has no meaning to police officers and public servants.

question n. that which Govt Ministers try to avoid answering in Parliament, especially when the answer would reveal fraud or incompetence.

queue n. a word which has no meaning for commuters who use maxis or the blue buses.

radio n. a device which allows people’s views to be heard outside the rumshop.

reality n. an obstacle to belief, so generally ignored by most Trinidadians.

stadium n. an edifice sometimes used for sporting events after construction, but mainly for kickbacks to government officials during.

suspension n. the only means by which certain Members of Parliament can claim to be elevated (see parliament, teacup).

teacup n. a dish sometimes used for pelting; sometimes used for lying about being pelted; and occasionally to put a storm in.

temporary adj. the leave of sanity taken when this adjective is used by a Prime Minister to describe crime.

under prep. the relationship between money and table when large projects are funded by the government. (see stadium)

vision n. what will remain unfulfilled in 2020.

whiplash n. a chronic condition affecting UNC members, caused by reversing positions so frequently.

x n. symbol often seen in Laventille, used to mark where the bodies fall.

yawn v. the normal reaction to MPs’ speeches. (see Parliament)

zygote n. a human being without a heart or brain, which explains why religious believers empathise with it. (see knowledge, morality)

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com

Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh