Addressing basic greeds

Mr Speaker, I am pleased to present the National Budget for the fiscal year 2005-2006. Before proceeding, however, I must thank all those who participated in the pre-Budget activities. I am always encouraged when I see so many people actually believing that I will do anything that doesn’t further my own interests. [Perhaps too blunt? Nah, I is PM.]

In this respect, I especially wish to single out all those participants in the Vision 2020 process, who spent two years of their lives for some coffee and bagels. They were, of course, the best coffee and bagels, flown in specially by BWIA, which is why I now have to appoint Vision 2020 chairman Arthur Lok Jack to pull the national airline out of the red. Your efforts, in spite of the cynicism [NB - look in dictionary for proper pronunciation of this word - NB - learn how to use dictionary] and the lack of faith of some, demonstrate that you are indeed true sons and daughters of the nation. Not like them atheists and freethinkers and them, who will no doubt be up in arms when they hear I mashing up the Draft Gender Policy.

[You’re welcome, God. No, Thursday morning’s bad. How about 5:15 pm instead? I always prefer the evening, since it has the same initials as me.]

Anyway, this Budget continues to strengthen the platform for achieving the goals of Vision 2020 for, as you will see, this Government has budgeted many billions for building tall buildings. Despite the criticisms of some, I intend to forge ahead, for people protested when I decided to build the Brian Lara promenade but now everyone likes it. This proves that I am always right.

Of course, this Government, ladies and gentlemen, is very aware of the serious problem of rampant crime which is presently plaguing our beautiful and peaceful country. I wish to assure you that this Prime Minister is very serious about stamping out this scourge. [Look serious.]

Moving on, then. Looking at what the Government has achieved in the past year, I am even more impressed with myself than usual. As a result of cautious economic management, economically cautious management, and managerial economic caution, we now have $34 billion to spend on the people of Trinidad and Tobago. [Look sincere.] There are economists who argue that an economy like ours is almost entirely influenced by external forces, but I wish to assure you, Mr Speaker, that that is not true. Our fortuitous fiscal fortunes are entirely the result of this Government’s prudent fiscal policies, fiscally prudent policies, and policies which emphasise fiscal prudence. The only external force which has acted on us is the power of Almighty God, who I wish to thank for responding to my prayers in relation to gas prices.

So the Government has achieved much, for which we must take full credit. Where we have not delivered, it is the fault of public servants. As a result, we will be creating 15 new State enterprises, which will adhere to the highest standards of efficiency and accountability. [Don’t laugh, don’t laugh!!!]. We expect these State enterprises to improve delivery of goods and services to cronies, and this will be good for the country since the PNM is the natural government of Trinidad and Tobago and I am the father of the nation. [Is it wise to remind people of this? Yes, say anything often enough etc.]

The establishment of the University of Trinidad and Tobago has been nothing but a spectacular success. By the time the UTT actually produces graduates and gets a campus, I will use even more hyperbole. We have also launched our pre-school education programme, thus providing opportunities for all children and, just as importantly, for Hazel to pose for more full-page ads. However, the Lawyers for Jesus and their parent group, Judges for Jehovah, can rest assured that this Government does not and never will educate people to the level where their faith is weakened. We want to educate people to work, not to think.

Mr Speaker, I turn now to our priorities for the coming fiscal year: (i) increased emphasis on personal security [so I will have four more motor-bikes, five more police cars, a large green truck, and a year’s supply of wet-wipes]; (ii) Building strong families, with healthy bones and teeth; (iii) providing affordable housing [once the Opposition stops trying to find out if black people get more government houses than Indians]; (iv) offering effective social support to the poor and vulnerable [once is not women who want to limit family size or homos who want the same rights as born-again citizens].

In order to achieve these goals, a change of attitude will be required and, at least every two days, a change of underwear. So we must return to the basics of wholesome family life [which is best accomplished by sending your two sons overseas]; driving carefully on the roads [which will ensure that my entourage can speed even more quickly]; going to worship [but please don’t dribble on my shoes]; respecting and caring for our elders [except for the Leader of the Opposition]; respect for authority [so nobody will question anything I do]; and going the extra mile [which poor people will have to walk when gasoline prices increase].

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com

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