RULES AND THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

The good news for wise parents is that at this crucial hour in the “confused” adolescent child’s life, there is a deep hunger and thirst for relationship. Parents can use this much to their advantage.

As we established last week, rules are made so as to order and direct our lives along specific lines. Inherent in the enforcement of these rules is a kind of pressure which is meant to compel adherence. This has a very noble and valuable place. Nevertheless, rules without relationship can be quite counter-productive.

Today, we’ll examine some facts in this respect, as they specifically pertain to the parent-child relationship. It is imperative for parents to build meaningful relationships with their children if they wish to see a positive response to rules of the home or family. This is especially so in the case of teens/adolescents. Parents must relate to this group with keen sensitivity and age-appropriate strategy. The teenage years are very critical and it is when many parents risk losing the battle, if a proper balance of rules and relationship is not maintained. Turbulent teens: It’s called the years of emotional, psychological, social — and hormonal — turmoil. It’s the time of civil war in body and mind. It’s a case of a single vulnerable being carrying the body of an adult, but the mind of a child. It’s the season when the anaesthetic (usually by a wide margin) is preferred over the cure — and the glitter carries more value than the gold. It’s the crossroad of confusion? But in terms of fashioning purpose and destiny, it’s perhaps the most critical time in life. (“Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth” — Eccles 12:1).

The good news for wise parents/mentors though, is that at this critical hour in the “confused” child’s life, there is a deep hunger and thirst for relationship. Parents can use this much to their advantage, by making a special effort through godly wisdom, prayer and professional guidance to build meaningful relationships with their offspring. I recall an instance where a father brought his daughter to me for counselling. She was in her late teens and had become quite rebellious. In growing up, they did not have the closest of relationships as father and daughter. She had also spent some time abroad with a relative. The father’s attempts to get her to co-operate and comply with the rules of the home encountered much resistance. During counselling, the young lady said to me, “Pastor, I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me.” I discovered that this was at the heart of the problem. They did not have a parent-child relationship.

Personality signposts: There are also a few personality-related signals which can be helpful to parents in raising kids. This is possible from as early as birth. Children are born with their own personalities. They then begin to adapt and adopt based on the environment in which they grow up.
The difficult child: This child may be, for example, the one that cries a lot and “makes a fuss.” He/she may be very moody and inconsistent. This type may also throw tantrums for no apparent reason and be fastidious — difficult to please.
The compliant kid: This may be described as the easy-going child. This child is very co-operative, would obey readily and is easy to please. From the crib, even a set feeding (hunger) pattern might be identifiable. The child won’t be too “fussy.”
The shy child: This type displays characteristics that would fall between that of the difficult child and the compliant kid. If parents do not understand how to properly relate to the various personalities of their children, a compliant kid can be come a difficult child.

Take a simple, practical example. Because of the subservient nature of the compliant kid, the parent may give this child every chore around the house. The child would naturally obey and comply. However, this can cause the child to become overloaded and attitudes may change sharply. At times this corresponds with the introvert personality. Covert anger may develop and after a while “erupt.” The biblical account of the brother of the prodigal son is also a good example (Luke 15:11-32). His faithfulness and loyalty were apparently taken for granted and not given as much attention, while the difficult (prodigal) child was given special honour upon his return. Many times the child with the more aggressive personality commands greater attention, because of the desire to have his/her own way. Above all, we must keep in mind that the greatest relationship is a relationship with God. The greatest parent-child relationship is therefore one in which both parent and child have a sound relationship with the Lord. The Christ-centred family is usually the crisis-free family. Church is the foundation of a strong home. The family that prays together, stays together!