A prayer for Mr Manning

Being a man of rational mind, I believe that prayer does nothing except provide comfort to the people doing the praying. But I am not averse to providing comfort, though I usually only do so for attractive women in low-rider jeans. Today, however, I will make an exception on behalf of our Prime Minister. Not only is he in dire need of prayer, but I doubt he has any concrete capacities for solving either his problems or the nation’s. So, while my own disbelief prevents me from praying for Mr Manning, I have decided to use my literary ability to write a prayer which he can use in a crisis, an emergency, or on any occasion when Pepto-Bismol may be in short supply.

Almighty God:
How art Thou? I hope fine and in the best of health. My own health is not so good, as Thou knowest, and I thank Thee for granting my prayer to stop the hurricane so I could keep my doctors’ appointment in Cuba. And I know, O Lord, that Thou shalt now help me recover from my heart operation fully. And by “fully”, Thou knowest what I mean — well, of course Thou dost, Thou art all-knowing and all that, winkest winkest, nudgest nudgest.

But I am not praying to Thee, dear Lord, for personal needs, but for the needs of my beloved country. As Thou knowest, on the first occasion I went for this operation I told my citizens that I was going on vacation in Venezuela in order to spare them any trauma. But the damned media twisted my good intentions, as Satan’s servants always do. Now, with the aid and abetting of some Indian doctors in my blessed land, they have tried to embarrass me politically by saying that heart surgery in Trinidad and Tobago is first-rate. So I pray to Thee, O Lord, that my Commission of Inquiry into the Health Sector will reveal many shortcomings. Then will I look smart to have gone to Cuba, O God, for my spectacles certainly aren’t doing the job.

As I am on the matter of my blessed land, I know Thou didst choose me to lead my country because of my moral and spiritual values. I also know that Thou hath often testeth Thy prophets by subjecting them to many trials. And I thank Thee for leading the Integrity Commission to decide that I had committed no trespass by riding on the jets of energy companies, yea as Joshua rode on the wings of angels, but I know Thou helpst those who helpst themselves and rest assured, O Lord, that I can handle that million-dollar debt on my own, for my Attorney-General is a nice obedient boy who does not follow British morals, thank Thee. But, dear God, couldst Thou ease me up by not flooding the capital city and allowing prominent people’s bodyguards to be murdered on the same day?

I know Thou didst send the heavy rains that the populace might see that Whitehall doth leak and so I needs must move into the Red House, and I know Thou didst allow Robbie’s bodyguard to be shot that his daughter might be inspired by Thee and spread word of Thy glory to the people. But, dear Lord, Thou knowest how people do not think logically, for did they do so both Thou and I wouldst be out of business - just a little joke there, O God, ha ha. But people are apt to blame me, as Father of the Nation, not Thee as Creator of the Universe, for all these travails. I know Thou art not punishing me, but the sinners over whom I govern, but please, Almighty God, either send the floods on one day and the murders on another, that I may not be perceived as a total disaster myself.

I also ask Thee, O God, to use Thy boundless power to take back Abu’s Priority Bus Route pass. I fear that voters are becoming suspicious of my reluctance to throw Abu in jail, but I fear Abu even more. If an ordinary citizen owed the State even a dollar and refused to pay, Thou knowest I would send him to prison faster than you could say “Jesus-is-my-Saviour”. So I pray to Thee, dear Lord, to either strike down Abu or grant me the power to get the votes of Bounty Killer fans without having to rap.

On that same matter, O Lord, I do entreat Thee to preserve the health and position of the Leader of the Opposition. Let him remain at the helm of his party, that the electorate may see no credible alternative to me, Thy faithful servant. Thou knowest I shall never ban hanging, nor shall I legalise abortions, not even for women who are raped or young girls who are victims of incest. I only put on kurta and dashiki to win the votes of the unsaved, O Lord, but I will always wear jacket-and-tie in Thy House.

But if Thou art in a hurry to send the Opposition Leader to sleep with his former bedmate, who he has confessed once helped him oust my beloved PNM, please O God make sure that my nation is blessed with much gas and oil. In this wise and in Thy wisdom, I will have the dollars for URP and CEPEP so I can keep black people happy and dependent so they will continue to vote for me with Thy help, O Lord. And the greater glory shall be unto Thee, for it shall surely be accounted a mighty miracle when I do achieve developed country status in 2020 without using one so-called enlightened idea.

And, lastly, for I know that with Thee all things are possible and nothing is beyond Thy power: please, O Heavenly Father, help me stop saying “Ladies and gentlemen” in every other sentence.
Amen.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com
Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh