TAKING FIVE DOWN UNDER

I love the game. In my childhood I shattered neighbours’ windows playing the flannel or “wind” ball version on the once smooth streets of Diamond Vale; so how I wish I were versed sufficiently in cricketing terms to properly draft a solution I have in mind for the West Indies Cricket Board’s contract headaches. You see, in lieu of professional players, I think Trinidad and Tobago should offer a few of its public lights to serve as substitutes in next year’s VB triangular one-day series. Take Franklyn Khan for example; as a matter of fact, please take him. Frankie is our lovable local all-rounder, known for his ever-promising smile. The WICB can ask any and every citizen. Each will tell it something remarkable about Frankie. The Board can question the squatters. They’ll say Frankie is a good spin bowler — one minute he looks like he’s aiming at the big hillside developers and the next thing you know, it’s the small time squatters who are walking off the field. And all the while, Frankie never stops grinning.

The WICB can also inquire of the country’s drivers or flood victims, information on Frankie’s contribution to politics, though some of these may have no comment on Frankie’s ability to deliver, as they’re quite deceased. Those still with us will recommend that Frankie the Radiant be given a bat and put to stand at the crease. They’ll tell the Board Frankie won’t lift his bat in Australia but somehow he’ll have everyone believing he’s walloped the ball. That’s our Frankie. He will simply stand there, consider, reconsider, plan, re-plan, grin and re-grin while balls send his stumps flying and the best thing is that no umpire is going to notice Frankie’s stumps as long as Frankie remains standing in the same spot, beaming at him, acting as if nothing untoward has happened. Frankie is going to smile the umpire into signalling a six to the scorers, instead of sending him back to the pavilion when he’s bowled out. The WICB should also know that Frankie’s smile is weather-resistant.

I myself sincerely believe Frankie’s beam can and will beat Lara’s bat. Each time an Aussie or Pakistani bowler lets that ball go in January, Frankie can grin in the direction of a boundary, his lips a beacon guiding the umpire to the white line and seducing him into trusting that Frankie has scored a four. Mark my words; before you can say Brian Charles, Frankie will be holding the new world batting record. When it’s time for the West Indies to field, my own amateur guess is that the WICB will want to put Frankie behind the wicket. I’m picturing him crouching and then whenever a West Indies man bowls, rising slowly, sticking his right index finger in the air and beaming. The umpire will be smile-winked into adjudging the best batsmen from Pakistan and Australia out LBW or caught behind. And for duck! Yes, we’re quite proud of our Frankie’s bamboozling gestures. The WICB is fortunate that Frankie’s PM encourages him to be as broad based as possible and this makes Frankie’s contract with the people of TT relatively supple. So the WICB can definitely take Frankie on.

How about us sending the WICB, Keith Rowley? He claims he has a strong right arm, cultivated in the village of Mason Hall. He can be the team’s star pace bowler. All the Board has to do is paint Patrick Manning’s face on the middle stump, Chandresh Sharma’s and Ganga Singh’s on the leg and off, respectively, and it will see wickets tumbling faster and farther than the houses did in Tobago’s landslides. A bonus for the West Indies is that if Rowley fails to deliver on the field, it won’t hurt the team’s chances a bit. Word is he’s just as good at bowling during the tea break, often better. Rumour also has it that Rowley’s boss has no problem releasing him from his current contract. I’m thinking though that if we despatch Rowley we’ll have to send Sharma, too, just to be fair, though I’m still uncertain what Sharma’s talents are. Perhaps he can distract the opposing players by teaching them how to spot heavenly blue lights. The WICB must know however, that Windies supporters recommend separate accommodation, travel and dressing rooms for both men at all times. A further disadvantage to their inclusion is that Grenadians may have to be kept off the team to avoid any more rows over hurricane refugees.

What about Bas? He’s not doing much here, except getting in everyone’s way. Let’s send Bas Down Under with Frankie, Rowley and Sharma. Our Bas may not be in the best of shape but, the Silver Fox’s role will be to argue the Windies into victory by wearing down the match officials with his cries of discrimination. Who knows? He might even make the team number one again.”Mr Umpire!” I can hear Bas declare, “Before we start this game, may I note that this is not a level playing field and I intend to bring this cricketing bias to the attention of the Australian Cricket Board, the Prime Minister, the United Nations and anyone else who will listen. There will be civil disobedience in the dressing rooms, Mr Umpire — that I can guarantee. What I cannot guarantee is your safety when the thousands of angry fans of West Indies cricket drive from Fyzabad to Sydney and park their cars on this field, bringing this series to an immediate halt.

I assure you Mr Umpire; I still have the power to command the masses despite the rumour-mongering of a certain political vulture who pretended to be an AG and a UNC. Can you imagine such effrontery Mr Umpire, when the man in question, who was simultaneously trying to compete with me in the hair department, was really a PNM? I gave him the axe, so don’t think I can’t deal with you. I’m not going to take this discrimination. I want and deserve more runs.” I have one more man for the Windies Board, though I doubt the WICB can afford this TT national. The WICB should try to get Lawrence Duprey to play in the VB Series, never mind he’s too portly to bowl, bat or field. He’s not going to Australia to sweat, to extend a muscle. The sole job of Trinidad and Tobago’s biggest player will be to acquire the Australia and Pakistan teams and bring them back home. Talk done.
<mailto:suz@itrini.com>