My conversation with God

And last week God said to me, "I’d have been more impressed if the Church she was speaking from wasn’t Pastor Cuffie’s $10 million Christ Castle. My Self! I create the world and saw that it was good — then I look again and there’s this shrine to tacky architecture. The only thing that stops Cuffie’s church from being the ugliest building in Trinidad is his house in McBean Village. If these lawyers are so concerned about morality, why haven’t they sued Cuffie to stop using his bogus PhD as though it’s a real one? And who the Hell told them that my Son needs their services?"

Yes, my friends, God was miffed. But not at me, which was the important thing. I had never felt the need to speak to God before, although I had read all His books. But, after seeing the statements of Justice Alice Yorke Soo Hon, a great fear came upon me. And so I called to the Lord, and got His voice mail and, verily, I did leave a message. But I admit to being quite surprised when He called back.

"I’m surprised that You called back," I said.

"But, Kevin, I gave you naturally curly hair. Obviously, you are one of my favourite sons."

Of course, it then made perfect sense. I found God to know more than anyone else I had ever encountered, save for Denis Solomon. And I told Him why I had called.

"I’d like you to tell Justice Alice Yorke Soo Hon to step down from the bench," I said.

"I’m not the Chief Justice," God answered.

"Well, he’s having his own problems. But she’d listen to You."

"No she wouldn’t. The God you’re talking to is one you created in your own image. So did Yorke Soo Hon and her cohorts create Me in their own likeness. And, as you might have seen, they ent exactly pretty."

"So what God are they worshipping then?" I asked.

"The barbaric, intolerant, irrational, tribal one — you know, the one all religious fundamentalists love. Obviously, they don’t believe in the separation of Church and State. So, if they truly believe in the Bible, then they should start campaigning for the death penalty for homosexuals. After all, Leviticus 20:13 plainly states, ‘If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death’."

"But they always say that that’s the Old Testament."

"Then they should shut the fig tree up! They like to quote the Old Testament when it suits them, ignoring the parts that say adulterers should be put to death, as well as any woman who’s not a virgin on her wedding night, and anyone who doesn’t observe the Sabbath. I mean, do they believe the Bible is inerrant or not? Let them either admit they want to kill homos or that they don’t really believe all of Jehovah’s words."

"What about the law student who said that two homosexuals raising a child would put a curse on the child?"

"Yeah, they even rewrite the Bible. If it’s true the sins of the father shall be visited on the child, then that guy’s father must have been a moron."

"Isn’t that rather harsh?"

"You’re right. I’m sorry. The fella also said if the country legalises same-sex marriages, the oil and gas will run out. Calling him a moron really is an insult to morons. In any case, there have been several studies on homosexual couples with kids, and the only unusual trauma the kids suffer is bigots badtalking their parents for being homosexual. Otherwise, they grow up just like kids from heterosexual homes."

"I’m surprised God cites evidence."

"Well, like I said, I’m made in your image. So I’m a rational God."

"Like Marion O’ Callaghan’s?"

"Uh-huh. Her God is so rational that she doesn’t even know the difference between Alexandria and Athens or the Dark Ages and the Ages that were just dimly lit. That’s what irritates Me about these fundamentalists. They have no concern for truth or justice. There’s that lawyer calling for Patrick Manning to remain pro-life. Well, if she’s so concerned about life, why isn’t she trying to get Manning to eradicate the death penalty? Is the life of a thinking, conscious, mature adult of less value than that of a foetus without a brain or nervous system, because the adult has committed murder?"

"Apparently, yes."

"Well, you better pray, Keviu, that you never appear before Yorke Soo Hon on a blasphemy charge."

"But if I prayed, I wouldn’t need to worry," I pointed out. "Anyway, I suppose any non-Christian or non-believer who comes before Soo Hon now can always make a strong case for her to be replaced."

"Yeah. But let’s not forget that Magistrate Melvin Daniel once told a prostitute that if she had strong morals, poverty wouldn’t be a problem — because she pleaded that she had to have sex for money in order to feed her children. And then there’s Chief Magistrate Sherman McNicolls, who is opposed to both homosexuality and Nehru suits. And don’t forget former Chief Justice Michael de la Bastide was in the front row when Benny Hinn came to Trinidad and found demons here. In other words, finding a non-religious judge in this country is as likely as finding Franklin’s Khan’s loan agreement."

And that was the end of our talk. It was quite enlightening, as you’d expect a conversation with the Supreme Being to be. And the only difference between me and other people who claim to speak to God is that I admit I’m lying.

E-mail: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com <mailto:kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com>

Website: www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh <http://www.caribscape.com/baldeosingh>