Should auld acquaintance be forgot?

The Edinburgh Tattoo is 88 minutes of military folk wearing uniforms, playing instruments, marching up and down, waving flags and occasionally horses are involved.

What is it about formation, synchronised drumming and people wearing the same clothes and doing the same thing at the same time that gets us off? The commentator commentates with great knowledge and audible condescension.

Tom Fleming OBE then proceeds to dog whistle through the Caribbean contingent. “Now a touch of West Indian Calypso, bringing as always memories of sunnier climes,” (we’ll turn the joint into Ibiza; curry and chips, geezers, slags and binge drinking. Smashing!).

“It’s the Trinidad and Tobago Military Orchestra.They’ll be performing The Banana Boat Song.” (Daylight come and I wanna go home.)It was when two semi-naked Trinidadians performed a tribal dance involving a limbo under a stick of fire that I thought, “Now that’s just not funny any more.

Now you are just being mean.” Ah yes, the colonies, putting the common back into Commonwealth. The finale? They can’t help themselves. And why should they? They’re The Empire!

God Save the Queen. I know why people watch it, I just can’t explain it.

Never will you see Edinburgh Military Tattoo Up Late and Uncut, it’ll always be at a sensible time and fully clothed. Apart from semi-naked limbo artists from Trinidad.