One of those days

Mine are often technology- based. In a certain mood I can cause clocks to stop , laptops to fail and phones to malfunction.

This one starts with a thick head.

Feels like a cold, but if you have a cold you have other symptoms and you get sympathy. This condition has no other symptoms, just failure to function.

It’s not a hangover. It’s not the cumulative effect of several hangovers. And since I’m such a grownup these days, it’s not cannabis- related or the result of staying up till all hours getting up to all sorts.

It’s not even something to do with the full moon — a condition that afflicts more people than realise it. Those nights when you lie in bed, tossing and turning, and then remember that the moon is the size of a football; but this is not one of those times.

Or it wasn’t any of those things, anyway — past tense. It’s gone now, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

Woke up sneezing a bit but feeling okay generally. A bit groggy, but nothing to stop one from getting out of bed. Man gets up when he could quite easily have stayed in bed and felt sorry for himself.

Today is column day. No problem.

You can write when you’re unconscious; you can write when you’re being mugged or going down in a plane that looks like it’s going to crash. Have some corn flakes and get on with it.

First warning sign: unduly concerned about the fact that you don’t see corn flakes with fruit in them, like you see bran flakes.

Fruit and fibre.

I bought a bag of raisins and tipped them into the corn flakes in a plastic storage box, turned them over several times as if I was drawing prizes in a tombola, and you know what? The raisins don’t want to integrate. Or the corn flakes won’t let them. The book of life’s great mysteries acquires a new chapter.

Into the office. Ideas, ideas.

There are folders of them on my phone and laptop that I add to when inspiration strikes at any time of the day or night. This column doesn’t often resort to politics or anything really serious.

Discover ten stale ideas that will probably never see the light of day.

Two fresh ones, so I latch onto one and kick it around. It fails to ignite.

Seemed like it had comic potential a few nights ago but now I can just see it offending people.

Try the other one. Same problem.

It’s a dud. At the moment.

Another time, it could work, but frame of mind is so important with these things.

Maybe some exercise would help. Head for the gym. Park outside.

The remote control will not lock the car. This could be due to any number of factors, most of which would be the operator’s fault. Did I put it in “park” before getting out? Try to repeat the procedure, but the lever is stuck in the correct place. Maybe it’s the battery in the remote. One of those little silver discy things. Crack the device open and everything looks okay.

Reassemble it and the tiny red light blinks when the buttons are pushed. Presumably this is what’s supposed to happen, to show you there is power.

There is a small, stick-shaped key within the remote. Extract it and you can physically lock and unlock the doors, but it has no effect on the ignition. Lock the car, unlock the car, open and close each door in turn (just in case: you’ve got to try something).

Maybe it is the little battery after all. Traipse to a supermarket that sells them. Try to get the old battery out – it’s stuck. Shopkeeper finds a little knife and between us we remove the offending item.

Put the new one in and return to the car.

Blip the remote optimistically from 20 yards away. Nothing.

Up close. Nothing.

Open the bonnet with no real idea what to do. Slap the plastic cover of the positive connection on the car battery.

Try the remote again and it works. I’m not saying the slap was what did it, but who cares? Drive to the wine shop and buy a bottle of celebratory nice stuff.

Take it home and brandish the corkscrew: cork falls apart, comes away in little lumps and a shower of powder.

Okay then, whoever or whatever is causing this bad day. I have a bottle of rum, already open.

See if you can stop me using that