Stubbornness in Marriage

These are familiar words for many of us growing up in our parents’ home. But these same words can take on a much altered meaning when spoken by our spouse. They can be a manifestation or source of anger or resentment and represent acute frustration in a struggling marriage. But is this all?

Stubbornness can be the result of poor communication between husband and wife – a misunderstanding of the different modes in which men and women think and communicate. Here the wife or female may be pushing for an immediate or particular decision and action, while the husband or male seems to be taking “forever” to respond or act in his God-designed, slower pace of intellect. Here “slower” is not necessarily bad but different, involving a separate perspective which, when eventually spoken, may prove to very sensible and valuable; but alas for many women, prove to be too late!

Stubbornness can be the result of bringing past family and other baggage into the marriage. “This is the way my parents brought me up and taught me to think, and I am not prepared or ready to move away from it or do things differently”. This can be wide-ranging; from daily decisions (the when or what we watch on TV) to how we plan and execute major marital goals (the when, where or how we purchase our first home). The way forward is to identify and seek to fully understand the disparities involved in a given situation or determination, and to create a new third alternative flow of action for the advancement of the marriage. But for a number of wives or females, this “merging process” itself may prove to be another cradle of irritation.

A third source for stubbornness in a marriage is fear or reluctance to try the new or the unknown. Here “personality types” play a more significant role than many may be aware of or give them credit for! The take-charge, commanding Choleric can become upset by the slower, negative-talking, analytical Melancholic. The quick-moving, out-in-front Sanguine can be hamstringed by an easy-paced, less ambitious Phlegmatic spouse and vice versa. Thus, it is very important to know, understand and plan for the strengths and weaknesses of the marital “personality type” combination that envelops the relationship! An appropriate seminar, course of study or third-party intervention may prove to be a cherished, marital-transforming investment.

But, on the other hand, there are “areas and seasons” in our marriages in which we must be very stubborn. We want to be persistent in our love and commitment to each other even when there is a cost or loss involved –whether money or reputation. For example, Mary firmly believes her husband has HIV through coming into contact with contaminated blood, despite the “stories and repeated words” to the contrary.

We want to be resolute in making time for each other, long after the honeymoon and in face of the increasing time-demands for maturing children, successful work and growing ministry. The wife of one couple recently told me that she and her husband, of over 25 years of matrimony, still “date” every Monday!

Oftentimes we need to be stoic in enduring life’s adversities and the unexpected; unwavering in our faith in a good and just God; in believing the well-meaning intentions of our spouse despite the actions that appear to speak differently; and finally, in achieving the purposes of our marriage amid the flood of legitimate “have-to-be-done” tasks. To quote the Song of Songs “many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot drive it away”

Stubbornness has “a father and a mother” and it is a wise practice to intentionally know one’s in-laws!