Marriage and Family – know the difference

Ideally the children are born to the married couple, who nurture them to adulthood.

Then they leave the family home to pursue their individual fortunes, as the marriage advances to its golden years. Of course there are always exceptions to the expected norm.

In addition the operative dynamic in each of the relationships is substantively divergent.

In the family of parent and child, the key relational dynamic is one of independence.

The parents are providing and teaching their children to be independent, in preparation for when the children will leave their maturation nest. The relational dynamic within the maturing marriage is increasing interdependence, as the couple seek to fully explore and develop their fusion relationship.

Thus, two dangers are ever present. The first is that the marriage stops focusing and investing in its own fusion dynamic, pouring ALL its efforts and resources into raising successful, independent young adults. In this scenario the marriage relationship can lose its inner tenderness and intimacy to the activity demands and responsibilities of the family, resulting an increasingly bruising and brittle association. This can be particularly true for those marriages in which the children “come early”; before the marriage itself had adequate time to develop and settle into its own internal rhythms.

The second danger is that the direct, face-to-face communications of the marriage begin and continue to be re-routed through the children of the family - “Johnny tell mummy....” “Maria tell daddy...” Until that fateful day when neither Johnny nor Maria is present to fill what is now revealed as a widening communication gap. In fact a number of marriages often decide to “call it a day” at this point, with the “relationship glue” of raising the children now depleted.

Therefore an all important challenge becomes how do marriages progress their fusion journey while simultaneously raising and maturing the children of the family. One of the strategies for managing this priority duality is establishing, as soon as practically possible, separate quality times for “mummy and daddy and children” and for “husband and wife, without children” This must start in the home, but progress beyond it.

Specifically, the baby crib must leave the master bedroom at the earliest possible opportunity. Access to the parent’s room must have a curfew – no child has died from loud crying. I assure you that the loud crying will soon stop and the children will quickly learn the intended lesson, if you are consistent and can hold your hearts in check! Beyond the home, there are the beach and weekend getaways with the children in family retreats; and without the children in rejuvenating “honeymoons’. Of course the latter require trusted support in looking after the children. Finally as the children grow older and within available finances, there can be family trips aboard – the Caribbean and beyond; and the lazy times together as a connected couple exploring foreign cultures. When the children have left the family home there will be no need to discontinue this well-established pattern.

There are genuine differences between a marriage and a family – know them, establish them and live them!