Dr Kevin’s child advice

In fact, I am even less qualified than that, because I don’t have any children. Given this complete ignorance, I expect to be offered a job as Government’s Chief Advisor on child issues, a radio talkshow host, or sperm donor. And, since it is now nine months after Carnival, when birth rates rise by 15 percent, I thought this was the best time to write an advice column for new parents which can simultaneously serve as my job application for one or all of the above positions.

The first piece of advice is pretty obvious, but one which all expectant parents must bear in mind: do not let your child be born with a birth defect that costs more than $60,000 to fix. As Health Minister Jerry Narace told the country last week, this is all the Health Ministry is authorised to contribute.

However, there are plans afoot for the Ministry to adopt the policy followed by the Prime Minister’s Office. This will ensure that babies who need expensive emergency operations will be able to access $148 million, $300 million, or $200 million – unless, of course, the Government has to use this money for official residences, private jets, or luxury cars.

If, however, the baby is born healthy, you must try to ensure that you are not the child’s 20-something-year-old stepfather. If you are, make sure the infant does not cry, pee, or burp loudly while you are watching music videos, for this may drive you to beat her to death. (If the infant survives infanthood, however, make sure it does not grow up to become a teenage girl, for then you may be tempted to either have sex with her or pierce your navel.) If the child becomes a toddler, do not live in an area with deep drains or stationary clouds. Both of these place your child in grave risk of drowning, fractures, or smirking foolishly. If, however, your child does avoid these dangers, he or she will become very skilled at making excuses and taking down sea serpents from Red Houses.

Between the ages of six and ten, all these dangers remain, but new ones tend to come up. Thus, you should make sure that your child is not exposed to cars in any form or fashion. Don’t let them walk next to roads that cars use, since some Trini driver, who’s either late or drunk or impotent, may overtake on the shoulder and lick them away. You should probably also not let the child into your own car, since you’ll probably let them ride in the front seat without seatbelts while you weave in and out of traffic, talk on your cell-phone, and get horn. It may also be wise to have them avoid swimming-pools by rich people and cane-fields by poor ones.

As the child enters puberty, these physical dangers will be reduced but the danger of physicality will increase. Your main task as a parent is to make the child feel guilty about any sexual feelings. This can be done by enrolling them in abstinence-only programmes or any religious organisation which believes in beating children.

Parents must also make sure they have an extra $20,000, since the Children’s Bill 2008 imposes this fine on any 13-year-old who has sex or kisses another 13-year-old. But you need not worry too much about this financial burden, since this petting penalty also includes a 15-year jail term, so you will actually save money by not having to feed or clothe the child till they’re released.

Assuming the child reaches 14 years of age without being arrested, however, other dangers arise. For girls, these include (1) kidnapping, (2) rape, and (3) acne. Encouraging (3) may help reduce the chances of (1) and (2), while reducing the chances of (1) means being poor, which then increases the chances of (2) and (3). So parents must try to strike a balance. If you have a boy teenager, which means someone who thinks he’s a man on the basis of two chest hairs, then the dangers are different. He may become a gang member, a weed-smoker, or a politician. It is up to you to keep him away from the Youth Parliament.

If you follow these simple guidelines, your child stands a good chance of surviving childhood in Trinidad and Tobago, while never really growing up.

Email: kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com