On December 10 while training with her club Rigtech Sonics between Buenos Ayres and Erin in South Trinidad, Lester was going around a corner when a car coming from the opposite direction struck Lester and the cyclist was thrown off her bike. The driver of the vehicle stopped and assisted before a report was made at the Erin Police Station.

Lester, 19, received bruises to her face, neck and legs and had to undergo surgery for a dislocated hip.

Lester has been at the San Fernando General Hospital ever since but Lester’s mother Mary Layne is thankful for the gift of life. Yesterday Layne stated, “I just glad for the present of life.

Her friends coming (to the hospital) and bring whatever they have to bring for her. They trying to make Christmas as enjoyable for her in the hospital.” Lester is only consuming liquids and is expected to remain at hospital until the middle of January.

Layne, who plans to spend most of the four-day Christmas weekend with her daughter said Lester continues to improve.

“That young lady is going guns. God has been good to us.

She is talking and she calling me on the phone, sending messages from her friends phone to my phone. She is coming along quite nicely, still a little restless because she can’t move and she is a very active person so she is feeling confined.” As a junior cyclist Lester performed at a high level. At the 2015 Junior Pan American Cycling Championships in Mexico, Lester won gold in the women’s team sprint with Kollyn St George.

Another top performance came at the 2014 Junior Caribbean Cycling Championships in Suriname when Lester won silver behind fellow TT cyclist Teniel Campbell in the junior ladies road race.

Voces De Promesa tied with Chaguanas-based band La Familia de Carmona y Amigos for second place in the competition which was held at the Arima Velodrome on December 10.

Cassell George, manager and musical director of the band, and Rayan Kissoon, one of the lead singers, told Sunday Newsday that at eight years old, the band itself was the youngest to enter the competition and that all of its members were under age 30.

They also explained that although they had entered NPATT’s last senior competition in 2010, the band entered this year without a full understanding of writing within the Aguinaldo structure, which is a key component of the competition.

The songs with which they entered, “La Epifan?a” by a first-time songwriter Sach? Alexander, and “Noticias del Ni?o” by the band’s former manager Danielle Charles, earned the band fifth place in the semi-final round. They said when the band received the judges’ comments approximately two weeks before the finals, they realised they had to make major adjustments to their songs as they had received high marks in the music and presentation categories, but very low for lyrics.

“It was coming out of the semi-finals that we realised we had several issues with the lyrics and the song structure. At that point we were going on information we had been using since junior parang and we weren’t properly informed about the correct structure,” Kissoon explained.

“It’s not like you can go and Google, ‘How to write a parang song?’ The information is not there and it’s not known to persons who have not been in the industry for a while,” she said.

The band members realised they needed assistance so they enlisted the help of parang queen Alicia Jaggasar. She gave the band the information they needed in terms of writing a parang song, what keys the songs should be in, rhyming scheme, lyrics, advice for the competition, as well as guided them throughout the writing process.

With this new knowledge, “Noticias del Ni?o” was axed and Kissoon had to write a new song, her first, called “La Verdad y Nadamas”, while “La Epifan?a” had to be revised. Both songs were completed in the week of the finals. In fact, “La Epifan?a” was completed just two days before.

George explained just how difficult and stressful it was to learn new lyrics, new music, new choreography, rehearsing late into the night, and even a few hours before the competition, and that was in addition to other scheduled performances.

Despite the challenges, the band prevailed, tying for second place, for which they were ecstatic.

“This was a huge accomplishment for us in the midst of adversity. Knowing where we came from in the last two weeks, finishing a song two days before the actual competition, the general mood in the band is that we placed first nonetheless,” said George. George claims that Voces De Promesa is the first band spawned from NPATT’s National Junior Parang Competition to migrate to the senior level. And, unlike many bands, because they came out of the junior parang system, its members do not originate from one area but from all over the island including Sangre Grande, Carenage, Cunupia, and Barataria.

It began with George who used to play parang with his family in Cunupia.

They would also travel to other parts of the country to listen to the sweet sounds of parang. “I fell in love with parang from a young age. When I was around 11-years-old my mom bought me a cuatro. I took a pigtail bucket, attached a string with a broomstick and gave that to my brother and told him it was his box bass,” he said.

After that, his passion for the artform grew each year until he eventually he wanted more. By that time he was attending Fatima College and so he shared his love of parang with his schoolmates.

He brought his cuatro to school and another classmate knew how to play the marac, and so they played for the boys.

And so George formed the band, Five Strings, with his brother Cory George on the box bass, Nkosi Myers on the marac, Andrew Poon King on the guitar, Gregory Joseph on the mandolin, and, of course, George on the cuatro.

The band accompanied parang choirs from girls secondary schools in numerous competitions and in 2005, Five Strings, representing Fatima, collaborated with the St Augustine Girl’s High School (SAGHS) in the National Parang Association’s Junior Parang Competition in 2005 until they won in 2008.

After winning the competition, some of the girls from SAGHS and some of the boys from Five Strings decided to form Voces De Promesa.

And like the gift that keeps on giving the 82-year-old Humming Bird award winning crooner has been entertaining audiences with the gift of his dulcet voice for more than 70 years.

Sunday Newsday visited with Hutcheon at his Cascade home last week and chatted about his career, his music idol, Trini Christmas music and his planned album of duets.

He took us to his music room where he spends most of his time.

On the wall there is a large poster of his music idol, late American singer Frank Sinatra. There is also a framed photo of Sinatra on the shelf and on a long stack of CDs 65 of them are from the singer; he also has some Nat King Cole, Natalie Cole and Tony Bennett.

Hutcheon said that in a general sense Sinatra is “the greatest crooner ever lived” and has the tonal quality of no other singer.

He also pointed out his impressive breath control and ability to hold a note for eight to 10 bars. Another aspect of Sinatra that Hutcheon appreciated is his philosophy that it was the words and phrasing of a song that come first. He said it is not easy to pick a favourite song from his idol but he considers “I’m a fool to want you” to be one of his best. In terms of local singers his favourite is Marie-Angelique Cartar of the family singing group The Cartars.

For this season he performed at the Falls at West Mall, Fiesta Plaza at MovieTowne, Green Acres in Santa Cruz, St Ann’s Parish annual Christmas concert as well as private functions.

His final performance was last Sunday on television station CNMG for an event which would ostensibly replace the Carols by Candlelight concert which was held for the past 30 years. Hutcheon had performed Carols by Candlelight from 1982 to 2015 and in 2006 received an award from then President George Maxwell Richards for 24 years of participation. He reported that he was informed that the Culture Ministry deemed the event too expensive hence its cancellation this year.

“I think that’s sad. People will really miss that show,” he commented.

In 2015 he received the Humming Bird Medal – silver for culture and aside from that his most treasured award is from the Queen’s Park Cricket Council at the 125th anniversary for his long membership, which he received this year.

Iconic Christmas songs Though he has a wide repertoire Hutcheon is best known for his Christmas music and he does not mind being considered a “Christmas singer”. His favourite of his own songs is “Kiss me for Christmas”, written by Patrick Castagne who also wrote this country’s national anthem. He described it as a “tremendous song” and that it should have gone international as the lyrics apply to any country.

After his set at St Ann’s RC parish church he came off the stage and a woman accosted him “where are you going?” and told him he had to sing “Kiss me for Christmas”.

“It is very rewarding that people still like the music,” he said.

He has been told “nearly every day” that his music does not sound “local” and he is grateful for the compliment. He recalled one fan came up to him and asked if he was Kelwyn Hutcheon. When he responded in the affirmative she told him “you have a beautiful voice”. He is recognised quite regularly and people “always say nice things”.

One man told him that he is only hears his music from October to December and asked “you sing the rest of the year too?” And he does, performing for calendar events like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day but Christmas remains his busy season. His other seasonal songs include “At Christmas your heart goes home”, calypsonian Lord Melody’s “Happy holiday” and “I’ll be home for Christmas”.

Though “Kiss me for Christmas” is his personal favourite Hutcheon’s most popular with fans however is “Oh how I wish I were a child again” written by Stephen Ferreira.

“It seems to just hit people in some right spot. I don’t know.

Like it describes the way they see Christmas as being in the glory days of Trinidad and the sweet days. I think that’s what it is because it is really popular. I can’t perform unless I sing it actually.

No matter what kind of crowd it is whether upper class, middle class, lower class whatever,” he said.

And what is his favourite Christmas childhood memory? He recalled that at about age 11 or 12 his father bought him a bicycle and had hidden it under a bathrobe.

“Certain things stick in your mind. Even though it was many years ago,” he said.

With his family he still bakes the ham and they have a Christmas lunch either at his home or at his daughter’s next door. For the season he loves to drink Bailey’s and also sorrel and ginger beer. In terms of food “pastelles are traditional” and they also have an English style Christmas pudding and pigeon peas.

And how does the balladeer feel about the other types of Trini Christmas music? He is not a huge fan of traditional parang and as a crooner it is a different type of music. He said that he certainly enjoys it though he cannot sing it. For soca parang he is “not crazy about it” but there a quite a few selections he likes including Crazy’s “Yvonne”.

Asked about his most memorable performance Hutcheon said he had performed so many times but he did recall a concert in the 1990s hosted by masman Wayne Berkeley and dancer Thora Dumbell. He enjoyed the collaboration with Tricia Lee Kelshall, Wendell Constantine and Maurice Brash and performing Sinatra’s “My Funny Valentine”.

He said that he has performed at every venue in this country “worthy of mention” and has the music technology advance from huge stationary microphones to equipment that can “do anything”.

He currently uses a hand microphone and enjoys walking in between the audience.

Even after more than seven decades of performing Hutcheon still gets a “little nervousness” before going up on stage. He recalled that Sinatra in an interview with Larry King in 1988 said that for the for the first 10 seconds before they announced him he would always be nervous and that if you were not nervous something was wrong. For Hutcheon after he starts singing he would relax, adding that being relaxed and interacting with the audience.

While some have decried the Life In Leggings movement as “click bait” (incendiary content posted online with the intent of accruing as many views and “likes” as possible), Ronelle believes that the path to a more inclusive society is to first break down stigmas that make topics such as GBV and sexual assault “taboo”. Her personal activism has also included work with B-GLAD (Barbados Gays, Lesbians, and All-Sexuals Against Discrimination) and the Face Depression Campaign where she used her experiences of depression to spread awareness about mental illnesses.

“I would say I’m extremely passionate about social activism and advocacy; in fact, I identify as a feminist and social justice activist,” she says proudly of the work she is focused on. While the path of any activist is not easily trodden, Ronelle says it would be an impossible task for her to sit at the wayside quietly while persons in our societies are oppressed “simply because they are different.” She is committed to using the privileges afforded to her to advocate for marginalised groups in hopes of bringing access to a more level and equal playing field for all. “That being said, neither will I remain silent on the injustices that I face as a woman.”

The young activist voices that humans and social issues are complex in nature, and while she can speak to the challenges and prejudice she faces as a Black woman, she does not have lived experiences to speak for other social blocs such as the transgender community or disabled persons. For her, inclusive and intersectional movements (movements that acknowledge how the oppressions of different groups are interlinked and upheld by the same systems on institutional, cultural, and governmental levels) require various voices and experiences to be heard. “We also need to support them [varying social groups] in the ways that they want to be supported, not in the way that we think that they should be supported, based on our limited experience as outsiders looking in,” she elaborates – which has been a pivotal point of the Life In Leggings movement: the experiences that many women have shared on social media can never be had by most men, and never can the threat of GBV be such a constant force in male lives. “This is important because all oppression is linked; at the base of it all is the misguided belief that some people are less human or less deserving of human rights based on things like gender, skin colour, sexual orientation or physical ability,” Ronelle echoes the need for intersectional movements toward social change. “You can’t fight for the rights of one group … but ignore or continue to be prejudiced against another that you don’t identify with because doing so will undermine your cause.”

Ronelle also speaks of the disparity between genders when it comes to abuse and sexual violence. While all genders are affected as such, the challenges victims face in reporting and seeking justice for such crimes committed against them are very different based on gender. “For example,” she begins, “women are often victim-blamed after being raped. What they were wearing or their sexual history is brought up. All of these problematic beliefs need to be challenged and destroyed. Lumping them [the separate experiences of men and women] together runs the risk of losing some of the necessary nuance in exploring the surrounding issues and that would be a disservice to everyone.”

She sees educational reform as a viable way of bringing about cultural change but is adamant that such education must involve honest discussions about the role and influence of gender when it comes to sexual violence. Also part of this reform, she says, must be an examination of how we got to this point and how we move forward to dismantle the patriarchal systems that affects all genders.

“Our colonial history definitely plays a role,” she preaches of the lasting and continuing trauma our histories of slavery wreak on our modern Caribbean societies. She gives an example of a well-known slave named Sarah Baartman who was once paraded around by her slave owners to show off her large backside and was subject to physical abuse. “To this day, women on the street are still subject to harassment, violence, ogling and ridicule for having a big butt,” Ronelle makes the comparison, adding that the advances and cat calls from strange men on the street today mirror histories of slaves on selling blocks at auctions. Breaking this mental programming will take many years – possibly as many as have passed since “abolition” – but Ronelle thinks the first step is open and honest discussions about the horrors faced during the Atlantic Slave Trade and how such trauma has been passed down generationally.

She also addresses the myth the Life In Leggings movement is “only for women”: “No one is unaffected. If you look around carefully, you will see the ways in which the message that women are ‘lesser than’ is upheld. A simple and common example of this is soca music: can any of us say that we have never listened to or partied to a song that talks about women in a derogatory light?” In these instances, we are all complicit in upholding and perpetuating such beliefs and she believes it is up to all men and women to examine the world critically and understand how we partake every day in cultures that produce GBV. She encourages persons interested in fighting against GBV to “keep listening, reading, and researching – and most of all, to keep introspecting and reflecting on what personal changes you can make to unlearn ingrained problematic beliefs and behaviours.”

As for the movement she has helped create and shape – Life In Leggings – Ronelle expresses that words cannot fully describe how moved she has been in the past weeks. “I’ve always looked up to women who’ve started or played important roles in history and I’m elated to be able to say that I spearheaded as well as stood alongside hundreds of Caribbean women to demand equality not only for ourselves but for the generations of women after us.”

Her vision for the future of the movement is to transcend spaces – from an online presence to a physical force, as well as join forces as a region of women to dismantle patriarchal systems. Among the movement’s many missions, she hopes to be a space for conversation around gender relations in her country, Barbados, and by extension the Caribbean. “We’re working feverishly to build from the momentum of the social media campaign, which includes collaborating with other organisations in order to work towards educational and systemic changes within our community.”

She is of the view that each of us – all genders, ages, and backgrounds – has the power to inspire others and create change. Her advice to activists is simple but poignant: “If you’re passionate about something, keep talking about it. There is power in unity, so let’s continue to support each other in challenging the problems in our society.”

Over 40 women have lost their lives in TT this year alone, and of that number many knew their murderers personally – perhaps shared lives, children, dreams, and aspirations with the same men. Rosemarie is but one. By her children, she will be remembered as a mother whose death was avoidable but by the public – supposedly the fiercest, if not fairest, court of judgment in TT – how will she and these women be remembered?

One in three women in this country has experienced a form of gender-based violence (GBV) before turning the age of 18. That statistic alone means each and every one of us knows a victim or has fallen victim ourselves. Startling views that women must hold their safety in the clutches of their very hands prevail to this very writing.

In May, Nerissa Goora was stabbed to death on her walk home in Tamana Hill. Four men were subsequently arrested in relation to the gruesome murder. At Nerissa’s funeral, which took place at her family home, the pundit overseeing her final rites urged young women and mothers to be their sisters’ keepers. He also urged women to think carefully before leaving their homes to go to work or shopping, to always travel in groups, and to not “take chances” walking down lonely roads as Nerissa did in her final moments of life.

In the case of Rosemarie Blackburn, officers pleaded with members of the public to report all domestic abuse violations, especially if the perpetrator of such abuses owns a licensed firearm such as Rosemarie’s husband.

Such affects and thoughts from men in power seem to be plentiful at the demise of women, a steady stream of thoughtful ingenuity and brash protective solutions that flow as easily as the waters rushing from the Mitan River out to sea.

In March, it was in this very river the body of 26-year-old Eden Teesdale was found in a barrel, decapitated. Her body was identified by a tattoo of her astrological sign – Leo, the lion – and her head was never found. Relatives wept in shock and grieved at the loss of their beautiful sister. Cousins reported that she was carefree and beautiful and attracted the ardor of more than one male suitor. They also expressed their thoughts that Eden’s death was a crime of passion, a crime of GBV. A brother of Eden’s was reported as commenting that they were not close and never disclosed personal information about their lives with each other; it seems he was exonerated in this knowledge of his lack of knowledge.

At every turn, the men in these women’s lives failed them, not only in death. Our society is patriarchal in nature (consisting of systems, institutions, and cultures that are controlled and upheld by men) – men hold the highest offices, the are paid more, they are not disproportionately exposed to the threat of violence against their bodies and personhoods. This inequality also means an unbalanced distribution of power, with men at the helm of most of our nation’s decisions – and murders. As Jacquie Burgess, president of Millennium Sistahs TT, states, “Men are in the majority as perpetrators, as well as ‘blame and shame’. Men must admit that there is a problem that they can contribute in solving.” Jacquie posits that men should not only take introspective routes as to the ways they can change ingrained thoughts and actions but as well as taking responsibility to call on their brothers and perpetrators to hold themselves accountable, “rather than seeming to support by inaction and omission.” This “inaction and omission” is, in fact, the most insidious of GBV infractions as it is presented as being a “good man”; a man who never disrespects women with unwarranted catcalls or lurks in darkness waiting for the opportune moment to maim, rape, and kill. But the inability to call out men – especially by other men, the holders of power in our patriarchal society – is what continues the deadly cycle.

Troves of examples of women’s harassment at the hands of strange men only stopping when they voice they “have a man” are commonplace. Men lack basic respect for women, for their bodies, for their spaces, yet the thought that a woman is “owned” by another man quells their thirst. They respect the thought of a hypothetical boyfriend, husband, another man, more than the humanity of the woman standing, in the flesh, before them.

And it is not only men who uphold misogynistic and patriarchal notions. Amanda McIntyre, co-director of WOMANTRA, shared a moving post on social media of the GBV she was subjected to over the course of her intimate relations with a woman, through the Life In Leggings hashtag. She also admits that what was shared was just a fraction of her experiences in the same relationship. “Being a director in a feminist organisation did not exempt me from being a victim,” she states clearly. She praises the Life In Leggings movement as it also highlights rape culture: a critical aspect of misogyny that dutifully establishes ideas of male entitlement and feminine subordination. “It is the collective acceptance of norms and values that privilege men in their interactions with women and girls; it is the belief that women exist primarily for male satisfaction,” Amanda says, giving the example of something as “harmless” as a man asking a woman to smile.

For years, many organisations have been working tirelessly to bring an end to GBV and the inequality of women in our nation. Amanda says the work is tireless, and several coalitions exist with the purpose of spreading awareness and bringing about legislative change toward the end of women’s oppression.

Community worker and director of Idakeda Group, Attillah Springer, keeps things in perspective and brings our current climate surrounding the views of women back to our past. “Caribbean society is founded on violence, conquest, genocide, and the exploitation of black and brown bodies. It is against that historical backdrop that we have to consider the sense of entitlement men have to women’s bodies, the expectation that children have to be beaten into submission, the assumption that women will take responsibility for everything and accept blame whether or not they ‘step out of line’,” she says of the way women and girls have been subject to victimhood trickling from our colonial history. This is not to say that women are all victims, but that our mere understanding of the role of the woman has been conditioned throughout our histories. Attillah says education is a key part of the social change to come. “How about we start training men in our society form a young age that women’s bodies are not their property?”

Educational reform was a key point at the “She Look Fuh Dat” discussion at Big Black Box on December 10. Several audience members commented on the need for additions to school syllabuses that include sex education. Amanda points out that a coalition of activists will be following up with the Ministry of Education of the application for a comprehensive sex, gender, and sexuality curriculum in schools, as well as community intervention.

But these processes may take years, or frankly forever. For too long, many have decried national institutions for completely bypassing the need for proper sexual health education to be taught in schools, although schools hold some of the most vulnerable persons in our society – youth who absolutely need knowledge and understanding of their bodies, of notions of consent (the ideal that permission and agreement is necessary in all social interactions), and how their bodies and feelings are important and equal to another’s.

This is not to say “all men” are at fault, but all men do have a responsibility. Ronelle King, one of the founders of #LifeInLeggings says, “Toxic masculinity encourages men to abuse, exploit, dominate, and silence women in order to maintain superiority and enforce traditional roles for women.” Yet, she points out these gender “norms” are as damaging as they are to women as men; men are therefore forced to conform to roles of endless machismo, repression of emotions, and unhealthy interpersonal interactions. These may not harm men in similar physical ways as is the case for countless women but their psychological selves are obliterated in the process, a possibility that is far more dangerous as seen by their murderous actions.

While the term “feminism” still leaves men fearful, the ideology seeks to be inclusive of the civil rights and equality of all men and women. It is not a woman’s only movement neither is it exclusive to only certain social groups or genders. “Feminism aims to end the exploitation, discrimination, and oppression of people due to their gender, race, class, sexual orientation,” elaborates Ronelle, stating the importance for men to join the movement.

The groundwork starts in each of our homes – the physical home where our families reside and the home that is our body. Introspection is necessary to end the stigma that any woman who has been abused, raped, or killed “look fuh dat”. Boys, especially, are the most vulnerable and susceptible to misogyny. The ingrained hatred of the feminine, of girls and women, of their emotions and self-expression is what leads to the monstrosity of society, not women who wear short skirts. We must all hold ourselves accountable for the wayward path we lead them down by enforcing gender rules and stereotypes that are oppressive to a person’s most fundamental self. We must engage in honest conversations about why these beliefs and cultures are harmful, as well as brutally honest about the alternative: the grooming of murderers, rapists, and batterers.

On a Monday not long ago, a 20-year-old woman disappeared. Her body was found three days later amongst boxes in a warehouse. She did not exist for the sole purpose of the male gaze, she did not act with hopes of being brutalised, she did not seek her end. Shannon Banfield will never be able to share her story of GBV – along with the lost lives of all women on our shores. They may not have wanted anybody’s protection, they may have made independent decisions that disregarded “safe” practices, they may have been “wild” and as untamable as the wind but none of them were asking for it. None.

These lost lives, and the girls and women who are subjected to violence everyday, deserve our action. They cannot survive anymore on simple understanding and the good behaviour of a few men. We must act against and in solidarity for an overhaul of our social constructs that imagine they “look fuh dat” as a means of wiping the collective consciousness of the true brutality we are complicit to.

This is the second of a two-part series on the #LifeInLeggings movement and GBV in the Caribbean.

Staci: As an adult with no kids and a household population of two humans, once my house smells of baked fresh ham on Christmas morning I could not have a single gift to open it don’t matter. The gift of ham, homemade bread and little mustard is enough of a present to my belly!

Martie: When we were kids, our Christmas day was a LONG one… we would wake up really early, so early there was always a chill in the air still. Whenever we went to the tree, there was always unwrapped presents that weren’t there the night before and we would get even more excited!

Staci: Laughing children tug at Mister Santa ahaaaa… heard that song the other day and was like omg! It was my favourite Christmas song when I was a child, the best!

Martie: Staci to this day I find that song a bit scary. No idea why!

Staci: Martie, so your parents open the presents? What you mean “unwrapped”?

Martie: Those “unwrapped” presents were the ones from Santa.

Ronz: Wait, so Santa would bring unwrapped gifts? Lol, Santa sounding like he was too last minute and couldn’t find the time to wrap the gifts eh!

Martie: Well in our house he didn’t wrap them but most importantly they were the biggest ones and were not there the night before so it was the first thing to catch our eyes. Anyway, we would open all the presents and have lunch together with EVERYTHING on the table. My mother to this day puts cherry brandy in her sorrel. So after having three full glasses, we would be sleepy again. I didn’t know why til I got older.

Staci: Smart Santa. Steal the show.

Martie: Exactly! So back to my longggggg annual Christmas day traditions. After lunch we would get dressed and went by our grandparents in Wood-brook with the trunk loaded with presents for cousins and aunts and uncles. We would have lunch there and then we would head to Arima by my mom’s family for the rest of the day with even more presents for that side of the family. We did that every year til we were of age to go to parties. Then we were just anxious to get home to go out with friends and well that tradition died out as all the children grew up. But I really miss that family bonding ALL day.

Ronz: What a nice tradition and memory to have. When I was small the house we lived in, in Canada, didn’t have a fireplace (so no chimney). I remember being very concerned and wanted to know how Santa was going to get in to bring presents for us. Without missing a beat my mom said he comes through the keyhole. Of course I was completely skeptical and she calmly explained that Santa is magic and can fit. I still laugh thinking about it. The keyhole, like seriously? We had similar Christmas morning traditions with big gifts showing up in the morning. We (I have two younger brothers) would get up early, excited, and rush to see what was there. My parents never put presents out the night before so Christmas morning was always a big feast for the eyes. We couldn’t open anything before my parents got up but we could open stockings. That was always fun. To this day I still do a stocking for my big nineteen-year old son.

Martie: We never did the stocking thing.

Ronz: I suspect it was just a way to keep us quiet so my parents could sleep longer!

Martie: Even up to today, we don’t open presents til everyone is together. My brother takes forever to surface though and he always he holds up the proceedings.

As my nephew is here too he gets a Santa hat to give everyone their presents which he is quite happy to do… for now I guess!

Ronz: My dad’s parents would send me a sweater for Christmas every year. This went on until I was a teenager and then they started sending cash. Some of those sweaters were awful though.

Kimba: The smell of baked ham, yum. My parents had a record player and they would leave on a record with Bing, Sinatra, Nat, Sammy Davis, all day was “chestnuts roastingggg on an open fireeee… Jack Frost nipping at your noseeee”. My Caribbean Christmas was decidedly very white but I love the music of that time and I still only really feel like Christmas when I play carols/ songs by the greats.

Mel: As it’s my first Christmas without my Mummy, I’ll give this y’all this story. I was like five, my brother wasn’t born yet. Christmas morning I woke up and ran to the tree – no presents! Run into my Mum’s room and my parents are asleep and I start waking them up that Santa didn’t come. I did notice large garbage bags around the room. Mummy took me back to bed and then shut my door, which she never did. Then I hear her going back and forth with what sounded like bags. Then she came back to my room and said that he just left and took me outside to the biggest Christmas I have ever had. Seemed like hundreds of presents! I knew it was her and I remember feeling like the luckiest girl in the world to have such an awesome Mummy.

Katherine: So for all who don’t know, Staci is my big sister and I always remember when we used to wake up Christmas morning before anyone else, open our gifts then wrap them back up and put them back under the tree so that no one would notice, clearly we couldn’t wait…

Ronz: Hahaha mischievous sisters.

Katherine: I think that was Staci leading me astray again. We used to also watch a Christmas story EVERY year…I still do this in fact, to me it’s not Christmas without that movie!

Ronz: OMG Yes! The leg lamp, that movie is Christmas self!

Katherine: it’s how they pronounced “Fragile”, like FRA GEE LAY, always cracked us up.

Ronz: There isn’t a better Christmas movie out there.

Katherine: I agree with you totally.

Staci: Katherine is such a liar! If my memory serves me correct, we just used to peak a little (or lot) and stick back the paper, not a full unwrap!

Katherine: Bwahahah, see what I mean by leading me astray cause I remember totally unwrapping dem gifts. Always setting me up eh, from since we small!

Kimba: Thanks for reminding me Kat and Stace with that sibling banter, lol. My brother and sister would not go to the tree to unwrap their gifts until I came with them as they wanted their older sister “ to see” what they get, so they would literally drag me out of bed. There was no refusing them. Oh! And the little boy across the street from us would put on every item of clothes he got and try and balance with toys in his hand to come and show us on Christmas morning. Poor thing could barely walk but he was always so happy and giddy with excitement. He was a main part of our annual tradition, seeing his innocence and glee every Christmas morning, this season is really magic time for the children eh!

Rock music was found to be particularly distracting for men.

The study, from Imperial College and the Royal College of Music, played music into headphones while people tried to play the Operation board game.

The research teams have been examining how music can alter performance.

Families might have arguments about whether teenagers should be listening to music when studying.

But there are also professional settings where music is sometimes played in the background – including operating theatres.

Board players

This study, published in the Medical Journal of Australia, used a different type of operation – the board game where players have to try to extract a piece with tweezers without setting off a buzzer.

The 350 people in the study were monitored as they carried out tasks while listening to pieces of music by Mozart and AC/DC and then the background sound of an operating theatre.

Women’s ability to concentrate on the task did not seem to be affected by either types of music or the sound of the operating theatre.

But men were slower and more likely to make mistakes when they listened to rock music.

When men listened to Mozart, there appeared to be an improvement – but this seemed to be associated particularly with people who liked to listen to classical music – and when this was taken into account, there was no significant difference in performance.

The researchers do not have any clear explanation for why women should be less affected – but suggest it might be a greater susceptibility among men to “auditory stress” – where perception is affected by “loud or discordant music”.

Lead author of the research Dr Daisy Fancourt said the study using the Operation board game was in some ways “tongue in cheek” but was part of wider research into how music could alter performance, including in settings such as operating theatres.

There were questions about whether different types of music could influence the speed and accuracy of how teams worked, she said.

“This study suggests that for men who are operating or playing a board game, rock music may be a bad idea,” said Dr Fancourt. (bbc.com)

In fact last year I kept my money in the bank and turned my head and pretended nothing was happening. This year, however, I was sucked into the whole Christmas thing by force. Unfortunately a few months ago there was a plumbing issue which led to a flood in my house ergo I was forced to undertake some pretty major renovations. ARRRGGGHH Is this what people put themselves through every year? There I was sweating like a pig, up a ladder, repainting my ceiling when a blob of paint fell into my eye. The first thing that came to mind was there are so many other things I would prefer to be doing at that moment. Even a root canal would have been preferable. I tend to spend the dollars to get good paint, so I hadn’t painted the room in the last six years, with little evidence of wear. This time I was so thorough, I hope I don’t have to paint again for the next ten years. It helps that my son has finally outgrown his habit of using the walls for his spontaneous murals. So here I am changing flooring, painting from floor to ceiling and changing curtains etc. to co-ordinate and truth be told if I wasn’t sick and tired of living in disarray, I wouldn’t put myself through this.

I did mention I was sucked into Christmas, right? Well I didn’t only do renovations on the house but I got the ham, the turkey, the black cake and the pastelles too. In my defence that’s just because I like to eat and I got them all at a killer price.

What can I say? I’m a girl that can’t pass up a good deal especially when it comes to meat of any kind.

I do have to say I see the appeal of a pristine, freshly painted, well decorated home and a table laid out with the most appetising food imaginable but oh the expense. I don’t think I would even be doing this much if it wasn’t for the cheque from the insurance company to pay for repairs from the flood damage. Anyway so there I was lamenting on my preparations for Christmas when it happened, I went to my son’s school’s Christmas concert. My first time attending and they made a big deal of it. It was lovely to see all the children putting their special talents on display and I started to get very emotional. Ah, so this is the spirit of Christmas and not Fernandez Vat 19. I flnally got it.

It was not the painting, the spending or the eating, for me Christmas came when I saw my little boy holding a microphone on a stage to sing his own version of Away in a Manger arranged to include some songs from Sesame Street. They say Christmas is about the children but kids these days seem to suffer with a bad case of the ‘ gimme gimme gimme, get, get, get’. It was these special needs children who were just so excited to dress up and sing, dance, read or play musical instruments for their loved ones who had the real spirit of Christmas.

Sometimes hard times are a good thing. Things are tight financially with everyone I know, myself included. So we are forced to eschew the overly commercial aspect of the season and spend time together which was the point of the whole season in the first place. Not the spending yourself into debt and eating and drinking till your organs are screaming bloody murder. I almost feel sorry for the businessmen, stores are open and begging people to come inside and shop and there was no hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping when I looked around.

So on this Christmas Day let’s focus on the things that are most important, about spending time with loved ones, reconnecting with family, relaxing and reminding ourselves about the most important things in life. If you’re single and childless [lucky you] Christmas is a great time to take a trip, relax and focus on yourself. I used to go up the islands, magazine in hand, lounge on the beach, eat room service and recharge.

For someone who hasn’t really celebrated Christmas in almost 30 years, I just may reconsider my position. After being sucked into the whole thing, then getting a wallop from the true spirit of Christmas, while I won’t concede defeat, I am rethinking my stance on the whole thing. I’m still dead set against the spending till I drop bit and eating till I’m comatose, that won’t change. I’m even considering not celebrating Festivus in full this year, the Seinfeld fans would know exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, my family is that strange. We do the whole routine; feats of strength and airing of grievances bit.

So this season, from this frugal mama and my talented little boy, may you and your family also find the true spirit of Christmas. When it’s all over may you still have money in your pocket to see you through the guava season that is January.

Amid all the ham, lamb and liquor may you not lose sight of the important things in life and may you make memories that will bring joy and laughter for years to come.

The _ rst of these critical issues is the “richness of intimacy” we grow into and continue to enjoy. More than sexual, intimacy involves the full spectrum of actions, thoughts and words than continuously communicate love for each other. For some, this involves primarily the exchanging of actual gifts (at birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and even non-planned occasions); for others it is quality times spent alone with each other, acts of service, words of affirmation and confirmation or physical touches-both large and small. In a mature marriage, all “five love languages”, as coined of Gary Chapman, find their appropriate voices, timings and places; even though one or two dominate our relationship landscape.

Then there is that “greater security” of the developed or developing marriage. This is where the external forms of exclusive ownership, established and supported by the exchanged vows, wedding rings or Hindu “sindoor” worn, are superseded by an increasing exposure and merging of “inner worlds”. An empowering fusion that gives greater freedom for all of oneself to find unfettered expression without the underlying fear of “break-up”. Where one can speak openly and genuinely of one’s good and bad, one’s weaknesses and ugliness in a “safe space”.

This space must be allowed to grow and be fiercely protected from unwelcomed intrusions coming from our daily duties, commitments and achievements. It is a maturing space that becomes more precious as the necessary distractions dissipate over time, with the abiding reality – “the children will come and the children with go, but the marriage continues” A third dimension of a truly advanced or advancing marriage is the “high level of individual initiative” that is promoted, present and celebrated with minimal or non-existent friction between husband and wife. How does the faster-thinking, immediate solution-driven female co-exist and evolve with the slower, wider, “dream-like” thinking male? Indeed, it is one of the great accomplishments of a progressive matrimony that makes this most fundamental of gender differences work for it, as opposed to, against it! The trusting of the faster-moving wife by the husband to keep the good of their marriage paramount in all her objectives and endeavors begins the upward thrust to maturity. This must be coupled with the husband not seeking to “control or micro-manage” his wife and her undertakings, but rather taking the directional leadership and being “in charge of” the overall marriage.

Here, his prime focus is capturing available, marital-advancing opportunities and preventing unwarranted loss, damage or crisis; while supporting and cheering on his wife’s personal enlargement and attainments. Here who earns the larger salary and who does household chores become of secondary, or even lower, importance. Here the maturing love for each other is not driven by “need”, but by a swelling “desire” to fully experience what each partner and the marriage were “born to do”! We congratulate all our married couples in Trinidad and Tobago on their diligent and patient work in 2016, particularly in those areas that led to richer intimacy, deeper security and expanding initiatives. In 2017, let us strive even more to consume, enjoy and share the life-giving fruits of our ripening oneness with all those around us. Blessed New Year!

You sigh … suck your teeth maybe. And you wonder: Why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other deeply? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex? Does family life – having children – mean the end of erotic desire and tempered passion? Has sex become a chore for you, or are you the who feels you’re not getting your fair share? Well … welcome to married life! Not that you’re doomed to an existence of dull, routine, obligation sex – if sex still happens – but you are now faced with the challenge of sustaining the passion in a long term relationship. And it does require some work. But before I give a few tips for rekindling the eroticism in marriage lets look at some of the reason why this happens.

Relationship Issues If you can’t assert yourself in relationship, whether it be about about general things or specific topics, it will affect your sexual relationship. It is not uncommon for resentment to grow, that eventually affects how close or how comfortable you feel having sex with your spouse (particularly if one person had an affair). It is not unusual for a woman to complain that her man doesn’t treat her as a person. He’s not warm and loving. He doesn’t want to talk to her and he doesn’t touch her unless the touching is going to lead to intercourse. It sometimes happens, that when a wife develops a career, and after a while she overtakes the husband, he is unable to accept it. He feels emasculated and loses his sexual drive. He has to learn to come to terms with her success before they could engage in good sex again.

Lifestyle Changes That promotion, which means more money, also means more responsibility and more time at work. With children and work, fatigue and stress sets in. When this happens, sex is the last thing on your mind. This tend to be a common obstacle for women although men are not immune mind you.

Body Image As a woman’s body changes, this can give rise to body image problems because she no longer sees herself as the same sexual being. Men, though not as often, sometimes have the same issue. Suddenly the thought of getting undress is scary, because you now believe that your partner will be completely turned off by your appearance.

So how do you get your groove back? First let me say that if you and your partner are happy with your current status, even if sex is as rare as an honest politician, then you don’t have a problem. There’s no rule about how much sex and eroticism is recommended and there’s much truth in the clich? that it’s quality rather than quantity that counts. But if your sex life, or it’s nonexistence, is putting a strain on the relationship for one or both of you, something must be done. According to sex therapist Esther Perel, the ingredients for eroticism, the “poetics of sex,” are imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, and mystery, with the central piece being imagination. Eroticism is integral to sexual satisfaction.

So here are to the tips. It is said, that there are three pillars of an erotic marriage:
• awareness of feelings, thoughts, and fantasies
• openness to experimenting with erotic scenarios and techniques
• a dynamic process of touching, teasing and seduction between you and your spouse The awareness starts with each partner recognising and identifying their sexual preferences. Share your thoughts and attitudes about a variety of things such as oral sex, having sex in the shower, sex with the lights on, massaging etc.

When this is done, focus next on developing scenarios or selecting or creating techniques to explore. For example consider the following:
• Sensuality – giving affection in everyday life and not just as a precursor to intercourse
• Post-intercourse activities – for example, having a snack, or a drink, taking a walk or talking instead of rolling over and sleeping Also, learn about the different kinds of touch and how to communicate through touch. Feel free to change whatever becomes boring and focus on those which build anticipation.

If this all seems a bit much to manage, visiting a counsellor, sex therapist or sex coach is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with lack of intimacy and sex in a marriage, At the end of the day, you deserve to have a wonderfully creative sex life.

Onika Henry is a Tobago-based, trained Sex Educator (M.Ed. Human Sexuality) and a Certified Sex Coach.

She designs and implements workshops, training, and psycho-educational counselling, to address sexual health concerns.

Contact: Tobago: 381-3049.

Trinidad – Wholeness and Wellness Counselling Office